Hey, it's me here with your requested review.
So, your language here is pretty much divine, especially your use of imagery - time implodes, the mud soaks through her clothes, and the daffodils are incongruously colourful. Okay, so that doesn't cover half of it, and you know that because you wrote it. But anyway. The single images really stood out in my mind, so well done with them.
I also like your use of repetition and creating compound words; it gives a dreamy feel to the prose, and it shows how removed Eileen is from, well, everything. Although maybe I'm biased because I do those things with language too... erm... but still.
And you've done that thing with the brackets that I've always wanted to! They were the most beautiful parts of this one-shot for me, just tiny little pockets of real, disjointed thoughts. I'm impressed by how you've managed to use them without it feeling forced or gimmicky.
The story of Tobias in italics was very laconic - which is a good thing. Most of the time, when authors choose to use that kind of technique, it basically eats the rest of the story so that the flow doesn't even exist anymore, but you've thankfully avoided that.
I think there is definitely something to improve on here, though, since you've fallen into the trap that a lot of the time happens when your language gets unconventional: it's pretty much impossible to connect with your narrator on a more simplistic emotional level. I mean, I know I'm supposed to feel some deep emotion through reading this one-shot, but it just isn't happening for me at all.
(I'm being harsh on you because if your language is this amazing, your characterisation can almost certainly be better. Call it tough love.)
Anyway, I do think you've done a good job with experimentation, and you may see me around to see how your writing's going in the future. Well done. :)
Author's Response: Hello my dear! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! :)
I'm really glad that they stood out to you! I really try to convey these sorts of images to my readers. I want to leave an impact with these images. We read so much descriptions, but do we ever really remember it? Probably not unless it's different, so that's what I try to do!
Ah, a writer after my own heart! I love to play with language - it's one of the joys of the versatility of English - there are so many possibilities!
I'm so glad that you liked them! It's something that I've started to use recently, but just in this oneshot and another one. They seem to represent (among many things) what the characters can't explicitly say or what the descriptions can't really convey. I find it hard to put into words what exactly the brackets are! :P I'm so glad you liked those!
Yes, I had to be super careful with Tobias's story. I didn't want to toe the line, you know?
I definitely think you caught something that others haven't. I mean, I can't make everything perfect in a story, but perhaps I did neglect my characterization. I was so focused on the language, I let my characters wane a bit. Normally I don't do that - juggling these sorts of things are difficult! Thank you for pointing that out!
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it! :)