|Review:||teh tarik says:|
Hello! Here I am with your requested review :)
So...a post-Hogwarts fic about a bunch of semi-disillusioned twenty-something year olds drinking their problems away nightly and living by the philosophy of #YOLO? I'll take it :D
This was a fun, light-hearted read full of witty spirited banter, and punctuated by instances of inner monologue. Edie's character is refreshing; her voice is sarcastic with a nice shade of self-deprecating humour, which makes her a generally easy character for the reader to like and sympathise with.
Your portayals of Dean and Seamus are wonderful and realistic as well, and I'm so glad you used these two minor characters, as their ongoing friendship in the novels has always been some sort of curious constant for me. I love the opening setting and the mood. I think you're pretty much spot-on with the raucous excitement-filled atmosphere and the "drunken unison" and "kinship" between strangers. This is exactly the sort of atmosphere sport and games bring about. There is a very 'bloke-y' feel to this chapter - you know, drinking with a bunch of guys and watching quidditch - but this is nicely contrasted with the earlier descriptions of Edie's situation with Lisa and their flatting arrangement and all.
There is also a lot of energy to your writing, achieved through the use of humour, internal monologue, and the present tense, which further enhances the lively atmosphere of your story. The humour in the story is especially effective in depicting the characters' less-than-ideal life situations, and it certainly keeps the tone pretty buoyant.
Now, in your request you mentioned that you were concerned about the flow of the story and the amount of backstory you'd like to reveal. There is certainly quite a sizable chunk of character backstory in this chapter - and some of this context is for characters which aren't even physically present (e.g. Lisa and Justin). I suggest you withhold this information and reveal it slowly when the characters are introduced. I think it's pretty important for writers to have some restraint and to not play all their cards at once...this will allow for much better control of pacing and a smoother story progression.
That slab of backstory in the middle, which Edie dismisses as a firewhiskey-induced jumble of thoughts, stops the flow of the story and drags the pacing a little; I would suggest that you break it up and intersperse these instances of internal monologue with the surface action. Also, the transitions from monologue back to real time action is a little choppy. For example:
Wow. That was entirely too much coherent thought-forming while drinking Firewhiskey.
Back to being pissed out of my mind.
I mean I understand that this might be to show her sense of awareness of her thoughts and all, and is probably not meant to be the most graceful of transitions, given Edie's inebriated state. However, this is a little glaring, and it comes a little too close to those fanfic writers who announce flashbacks (or other deviations from the present action) by writing Flashback and End of Flashback. Hope I'm making sense here...
On the other hand, I think you did great with revealing Edie's context and present life details. This was done very skillfully with little anecdotes here and there. My favourite would be these lines:
My great-grandmotherís name was Edith too, which is how I even got it in the first place, but I never met her. She went out in a blaze of glory when she turned eighty. Lit a cigarette and flipped her convertible into a ditch. How cool is that? I hope this is the way I'm going but most likely it will be cats and lumpy jumpers for me.
I really didn't know whether to laugh or be shocked at this moment what with Edie's flippant tone and everything. It's a moment I particularly admire and I think more of these would be fantastic!
OK, well I think that's all I've got for this chapter. Once again, great characterisation, setting and tone! This was a hugely entertaining read and I'll be looking forward to reading your other chapters.
Hope I've been helpful with this review and feel free to re-request at the thread :D
Author's Response: I just said aloud, "wow. holy *insert curse word here*." What a lovely and lengthy review! Thank you so much!
Hahahaha, yes #YOLO! It's such a funny idea to me--I hate it and love it at the same time. But I think Seamus just loves it ;)
Thank you so very much for your kind words! I really enjoy writing with minor canon characters who don't get much attention (ie Dean and Seamus) other than to be the "boys in the background" who are there to make an OC seem loved or to think she's pretty ;)
I really appreciate your advice with there being too much back story, and the bit about "being pissed out of my mind" being too abrupt. Your flashback analogy really put that into perspective for me and re-writing this chapter is now on my to-do list for the week!
I will of COURSE be re-requesting! Thank you so very much, your constructive criticism is really really helpful!!