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Review:AC_rules says:
Hey there! It's AC back here from my improvement challenge and I'm really excited to be here to see how this turned out! So, from rereading over your last piece and my last review I said, in terms of improvement, to work on: sentence structures, little mistakes and emerging me into the scene.

OKAY SO in terms of sentence structure, you've definitely got some more variety. This, for example Today though, one of her co-workers hadn't turned up so Hermione had stayed behind to help catch up on the paperwork. She could have just apperated inside but she didn't want her neighbours thinking she hadn't came home- she lived right above an old woman, Mrs Crawly, who was interested in just about anything. definitely has a lot more variety and it makes it much more interesting to read. Building on that though, your first paragraph is like a complete anomaly where you've only used three commas and no other punctuation (except a full stop) throughout the whole paragraph - which I've got to say is quite impressive! But that gives it the feel of being quite unnatural and slightly odd, which is what we're trying to avoid. Throughout the rest of the piece though you've definitely shown more variety, although you do have a tendency towards starting sentences with 'he' or 'she' so try and watch that in the future :)

Oh, the formatting for your dialogue is much better! It looks really really great! :)

Okay, so I've read all of it now and first I've got to say that this was really cute and I really enjoyed reading it. It was lovely. I think your characterization and everything has definitely improved since I last your work, so that's wonderful! And your fleshing out the scenes has worked really well too. It's now much more of a pleasure to read, rather than taking any real work, which is really amazing!

As for mistakes... well, there are still a few. There were a couple of occasions where the wrong 'too' was used and the wrong 'of' but it really was much better than your last piece, so I'm really pleased at how this turned out!

But this really was so much better than the first piece you submitted! I mean, it's not perfect, but you've come such a long way in such a short period of time - which definitely isn't just from following my advice, but just through writing more and growing as a writer so I'm really pleased for you!

So, in the name of continuing to improve I guess I'll reiterate the sentence thing - just watch for lots of sentences starting with 'he' or 'she' or any names, and it will read much smoother and lovelier. If this is how your writing is now, I can't wait to read what you come up with in a few weeks/months!

Thanks so much for entering my challenge and I hope you found it helpful :)

-AC

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review and sorry it's took so long to reply to!
I'm glad you thought I'd improved, it means a lot and your challenge was definitely helpful!
I'll keep an eye out for little mistakes and I'll watch for my sentences starting with he or she.
Thanks again for reviewing and also thanks for the challenge! :)


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