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Review:hannnahgracr says:
Hey!

I really love the introduction to the chapter, I think you worded it wonderfully. It made for a very interesting opening and it made me want to read on.

I personally am not a fan of stories in the third person but that is completely my own opinion. So if I had started reading this story I probably would have stopped because it's in the third person but that does not reflect your writing at all, just personal preference.

I feel you overused the word 'she' which is hard not to do when writing in the third person so maybe watch out for that in future writing. Also I felt some of the dialogue was a bit disjointed. Try reading out what you've written as speech and see if it flows, if that makes sense?! Also some of your writing is disjointed as well. Perhaps look into conjunctions to make it flow a bit more.

I like the element of mystery about her mother and I look forward to seeing how you develop Arwen and her feelings towards this situation. Also fabulous name choice, it's always rare to find a story with an unusual name for the main character.

I don't really like the fact you wrote 'flash back' then 'flash back ends'. I personally would have lead into the flashback with an ellipsis and ended it with one too. I would have made the flashback in italics so readers knew it was a flashback. However I know this could probably be confusing for readers so ignore this if you like the way you are introducing flashbacks now.

The last two scenes were a little confusing. I know you were probably going for dramatic effect which you certainly achieved but I would have preferred more detail. Still it does make me want to read on.

If I had time I definitely would read the other chapters but unfortunately I don't but I'll be coming back to read on another day.

I hope you found this review helpful :-)

Author's Response: I have a major problem with punctuation!! =P Hahaha. Yes I did find your review helpful!
I did think about making it first person but I wanted to experiment with third person.
I'm glad you pointed out the mistakes. Yeah I do feel I overused the word 'she' too much. Hmm if I ever get a few ideas for introducing flashbacks I shall definitely use it! Since I am working on giving a back story to the characters and all (which I think I got carried away with =P) there will be a few flashbacks.
Yep reading out the sentence helps! =)
Thanks so much for your review!!!


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