|Review:||The Last Marauder says:|
Hi there, again so sorry for the delay, but here I am with your review!
Okay, here goes. I absolutely loved your opening paragraph. I thought it was brilliant, the idea of the train as a red ribbon slinking around the landscape, that was just brilliant, so vivid and clear. Great stuff.
I thought the fight between Sirius and Regulus was really great. You see Sirius, the concerned older brother, but also the slightly hot-headed guy we know he is. He reacts to thinks without thinking and has trouble controlling his temper. Everything was great there. Lily giving them detention and asking for their help in cleaning up. I am so glad you had her help clean up too, not just order Sirius and Regulus to do it, you know? That's her character all over. She does not think herself superior to Sirius and Reg because she is a Prefect (though she does disapprove of their behaviour). Then James and Remus coming to find Sirius and Reg calling Lily a you know what and James's reaction was just pure James. Then I loved that it was Remus who explained everything to Peter while "James and Sirius simply ignored the entire conversation." - that was such a great line, because it conveyed so much information, how they are both angry and stubborn. Very well written there I must say.
Just one thing that was sort of off a little bit was Dumbledore saying so early on that he wants to use Sirius as a spy if he joins the Order when he leaves school. It is a bit too early for Dumbledore to be voicing intentions like that... I think anyway, but I could be wrong, it's just me here and my gut feeling, you know?
Anyway, I loved how you had Sirius wanting to go down to Hogsmeade and spy on Reg at the meeting with the Death Eaters, that is so typically him. He is going no matter what, no matter how dangerous it is or not, he will use the cloak or his Animagus form.
I also loved the ending, where you expressed Reg's pride at finally joining the Death Eaters and the small tear running down his cheek - that was such a great imagine and the perfect way to end this chapter.
I can't wait for more now. Have you got chapter 5 written yet or are you still working on it? You will have to let me know when it is up. I do hope this review is helpful, I tried my best to make it as good as I could.
Oh yeah, I just spotted a few typos:
"Regulus sat in alone in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express" - I don't think the first "in" should be there. Should be "Regulus sat alone in etc."
"Your [You're?] not still thinking about all this Pureblood mania are you?” He questioned.
But they are only minor things really. Also, I have a suggestion too, could you use line breakers or those three stars to indicate when you are changing POVs? It just gets a bit confusing with the large gaps between sections of the text and I have to pause for a moment and think for a moment, because the POV suddenly changed, so if you could use those three stars or a line break that would make things a little easier. It's a very tiny thing that really does not matter overall at all, but I just thought I would suggest it, just in case you thought it was a good idea and you don't have to listen to me at all if you don't want to.
Anyway, a really great chapter, looking forward to the rest now. Good job.
Author's Response: TLM,
Thank you so much for such a wonderful review! Your insights have helped me very much and I plan on going back to revamp this entire story with taking into account the ideas or things you have pointed out here!
I am sorry it has taken me this long to answer back to you, but just know that I greatly appreciate the time and effort you took to read and review this chapter for me!
Hope you're well!