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Review:my_voice_rising says:
Hello there! I'm here with your requested review.

Your introduction is very nice. There is an unnecessary comma though, between "learning it the hard way" and "made it easier..." which distracts the reader from your otherwise very nice flow. Perhaps you should also drop the first two words of this sentence: "Looking at a wary seven year old does seem odd but it was accepted" because it reads as though your OC is actually looking at a seven year-old. But this is a really great introduction to her character; bravo for you taking the time to include back-story before diving into the chapter. I've never heard that Eminem song (not the biggest fan) but the lyrics set up the mood for your introductory paragraph nicely.

Arwen is such a beautiful name. I don't think I've ever seen it in HP fanfiction, I suppose because people were nervous about using a Tolkien name?

I think it would help if you specified that Arwen's family were Muggles. Obviously she would not know the term, being in the dark herself about her magical abilities. The reader can assume from the smoke alarms and fire department, but perhaps you could tell the reader without actually having to use the word "Muggle." For example, what do her parents do? Or you could list the Muggle classes for which Arwen was expected to have top marks.

I also would love to hear more about her mother's disappearance--I know you're saving some of it to build up plot, but did she say those words to Arwen personally, or in a letter? What time of day was it? What was she wearing? Did Arwen catch her making her escape or did she seek her daughter out? Also, what does her father do exactly? I'm interested by him retreating to the library to work.

Another area where some more detail would be wonderful is her meeting with Neville. It was very funny when she thought he was insulting her by calling her a witch, I giggled at that. Also his affinity for toads was good--yay, Trevor! But it sounded like Neville was kind of just like, "Welp, so you're kind of a witch" all off-handedly. I know he wasn't, and you're obviously a good story-teller, so why don't you try adding some more drama to that scene? That is certainly one of the more life-changing moments in Arwen's entire childhood and I'd love to be able to read some more about it!

How sad about her father! Just carting her off like that. He didn't even wait for Neville to display magic or prove anything, just tossed his only child away to a strange man to take her away? What a horrible, horrible person.

The last two scenes are confusing--I think you should add some more detail. I think you're a good enough writer to do that without giving away too much of who is talking. Maybe instead of saying Somewhere far away from Hogwarts: you could describe the place, narrating how far away it is, and what it looks like, but not the people. Otherwise it's difficult for the reader to connect.

All in all I think this is a good start. I like reading about when Muggles discover they're not actually Muggles! ;) Nice work.

Author's Response: OMG thank you so much for this review!
I guess I do put too many comma's =P. I'll set that right the next time I'll be editing.
I like a few of Eminem's songs and I thought it suited the chapter.
I love the name Arwen and I also loved Lord of the Rings. =)
Thanks for pointing out the loopholes. I'll work more on the muggle aspect of the chapter.
The questions about her mother's disappearance make me realize how little I worked on developing that scene. So thanks again! =P

Yes I did receive some grief about the ending and I got a few ideas for it!


And again! Thank you so much! It was a really helpful review!


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