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Review:my_voice_rising says:
Hello there, I'm here with your requested review!

Your introductory paragraph is great. It's poetically grotesque--"astonished hole," for example. At first I was going to suggest that you take out the "slow mo" bit, but it does bring the reader back to George and the way he would tell a story and the language he would use.

I love, "and the dust and the dust and the dust." You can see a tortured person repeating this to themselves at all hours of the night, like it's become his mantra or something. Wonderful.

Oh! And the part about clapping his hand over his mouth and keeping his last breath back in--how heartbreaking!

Poor George, wanting to get to say goodbye to his twin but having to stand aside and wait for the others to say goodbye. But then again it's not their fault is it? And the face being a pale smear in the dark is such a wonderful image. And George imagining himself in Fred's body is just heart-wrenching.

And your ending. Wow. This is an absolutely breathtaking story. It's going on my favorites list for sure; I'm so glad you asked me to review this. 10/10!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful and flattering review my_voice_rising!!

I'm so glad you liked it; thanks for the fantastic rating. It's such a great encouragement...now I have no excuse not to finish it :)

Yeah, I chose to embed colloquialisms in the text because I wanted it to be more "natural-sounding", at least strengthen George's characterisation a little more. I hope I've been convincing enough writing as George. Fred's POV has plenty of these informal phrases (and curses.:)).

I'm so happy and honoured that you've added this to your favourites! This has just made my day. This is an ongoing fanfic, so I'll be updating and writing the next few chapters when I have the time (chapt. 2 is already up!).

Thank you so much once again!

-teh

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