Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Elphaba and Boyfriends says:
Hello, Elphaba here again! :)

What I like most about this chapter is your characterization of the Hufflepuffs. Max shares a camaraderie with her housemates that sets them apart -- they'd rather squish into one train compartment together than split into smaller cliques.

You emphasize this at the end, as well: "Unlike the hierarchy that resided in other houses, we were proud to help the youngsters with anything they needed help with..." I really like the way you define their Hufflepuffness.

I really liked this section, too: "I refrained from reminding her that she had almost fainted when sorted and then actually had fainted when I said hello to her at the Hufflepuff table. It seems we are liable to forget things as we grow older." It's funny, but I think it also says something that is very true.

I did think the end of the chapter was a bit abrupt, but I'm not sure how else it should have ended. I feel like I got a nice introduction to Max's friends, and now I am waiting for the action. I'm interested to see how the Hufflepuffs will clash with the Ravenclaws and with professors like Snape!

The only thing that stuck out grammar-wise is this sentence, and only because it's 3rd person, rather than 1st person like the rest of the chapter: "Dylan declared a race and the hyperactive group of overfed teenagers half-heartedly took him up on it." I might rewrite it something like this: "Dylan declared a race and we (being hyperactive, overfed teenagers) half-heartedly took him up on it."

I'm also interested to see how Max's metamorph abilities come in to play in the story - it's really interesting that she chooses to conceal them. I think most people would expect her to show them off, so it's cool that she doesn't. :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I was a bit worried about this chapter. This was a story written a while ago for a NaNo and so I always feel like it gets off to a bit of a slow start thanks to me trying to extend it to meet the word count.

I'm glad you picked up on the characterisations of the Hufflepuffs. I really wanted to capture both the Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws to really expand on the similarities and differences between the two groups.

Thanks for pointing out that sentence. I went through and did a tense clean-up but obviously missed that one. It's hidden well enough that I missed it :P

Yea it was a hard decision about whether it would be realistic to hide it from her friends but I feel like it adds a little more depth to her as a character. She is surrounded by friends she adores but yet she refuses to reveal an integral part of her character.

Oh and the chapter ending. I'd never really seen it as abrupt. That's definitely something I will look over. It hopefully will make a bit more sense once the next chapter is posted.

Thanks again for your review!! You made my day :D


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 155
Submit Report: