Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:CambAngst says:
Hello, again! I'm back for more.

Oh, my. The horrible morning after. The details all felt... would you think less of me if I said they were rather familiar? I like that you switched to Al's point of view for this chapter. I really enjoy stories where we get to experience the plot through more than one character's eyes. It really adds something for me, and it also gives you a lot of freedom as a storyteller.

There's an old adage that says, "always use the narrative voice of the character who knows the least or has the most to lose", and I think Albus was absolutely the right choice in this scene. He's on unfamiliar ground. He's just put his relationship with his best friend in jeopardy. He's naked and her dad is on the other side of the door. I don't think there's much doubt as to who has the most to lose here. ;)

Little things: I love the way that she knows that he's imagining their, ah, intimate moment in his head. I like that they're both thinking about how this could ruin their relationship. I like the weird sort of almost brother-sister awkwardness when it comes to seeing each other naked. I like the way he hides behind the door while she's talking to her father. That was a clever touch.

The one thing I might not have done is drop those final two words in this chapter. I get the feeling that we'll be made very aware of them in the not-too-distance future, anyway. If it was me, I would have been tempted to hang onto that revelation and use it later in the story. Putting it here definitely gives a bit of the plot away.

Anyhow, I enjoyed this a lot. You write really well. You have quite a knack for using situations and dialog to set a scene. It wasn't hard at all to put myself into poor Albus's, uh, I guess "shoes" isn't the right way to put it because he isn't wearing any, now is he? The point is, I can totally relate. Please don't think less of me. ;)

Well done!

Author's Response: Hey.

POV was pretty much the first thing I thought of when I planned this, I didn't know if I would write from a male or female point of view. My mind automatically went to male (I generally suck at writing females, even though I'm a girl, can you tell? :P). But then I thought about how being pregnant would impact a teenage girl, so I decided female POV. THEN I wondered how a teenage boy would think and decided to write from both. So far, I think it was a good decision. :)

The little things you pointed out that you loved where my favorite things to write. So that's really great to hear. :D

The last two lines. It took me ages to say this chapter was finished because I couldn't decide whether or not to include it, as, like you said, it gives things away. But the plot I decided with from the beginning was the pregnancy itself and I wasn't going to prolong them finding out. So I decided to keep them in the end because it helped me to lead into chapter three. Does that sense? Or am I being confusing again? I admit, I do it a lot, even to myself. :P

Thank you so much for the lovely reviews. And, no, I don't, nor could I ever, think less of you. :D

Sam.


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 710
Submit Report: