|Review:||The Last Marauder says:|
So sorry it took me so long to get to chapter three. Things are just absolutely mental at the minute in school, and I wanted to make sure I had enough time to devote to this and do the best review I possibly can.
Anyway, to business, I really liked how you had James race Sirius to the bathroom and how Sirius swore when he lost. It was just something small, but it just captured their characters so well. Great job on that.
I do have one thing I want to point out though, when the boys are talking to Mr Potter, it is the first time the reader meets Mr Potter, but you haven't told us what he looks like. I think a bit of description there would really help the story come alive, because he is just this faceless being speaking to the boys at the moment, so a bit of detail would be a good addition.
I loved the idea of James and Sirius sneaking off and of Sirius's frustration of not being able to follow the Death Eaters further and James pulls the cloak out, it's just so brilliant and so James, I really loved that bit.
I loved the fight scene - I think you captured that very well, it was really well written. The only problem I can see is the fact that Voldemort and the Death Eaters are meeting in Knockturn Alley, I don't know, it doesn't seem to fit really, because they are meeting in broad daylight in a crowded place and Knockturn alley has the reputation for being a place associated with the Dark Arts, so I am think that the Aurors would be watching the place very closely, and the idea of Voldemort and the Death Eaters meeting there just seems a bit unlikely, to me anyway, and I could be completely wrong and feel free to disagree here. All that said, I think you wrote that part of the story wonderfully and I really enjoyed it, it was just that little issue was nagging at the back of my mind as I read.
I really loved the conversation between James and SIrius and Mr Potter where they discuss what happened later on. That seemed spot on to me. And I loved when the other Marauders arrive and you have Remus feeling uneasy when Sirius mentioned that Regulus called his friends filth - you still have his fear of losing his friends there and I think that came across so well. It was just something small you added in, but it worked so well.
I just spotted a few typos:
"as they were done with there [their?] shopping" - you want the possessive pronoun here.
"Their [They are/They're] alright Albus,"
Also, just in general, is there any way you could fix the spacing in the story? It just gets a bit annoying having to scroll so much while reading. This isn't a problem at all and it is only something tiny and it really has nothing to do with your writing at all.
Anyway, I really did enjoy this chapter and I think you capture James and Sirius so well and your writing is great, it really drew me in, the stuff I point out are only minor things really and you do not have to listen to me at all, it is just my opinion.
Anyway, I am really looking forward to chapter four now, I want to know what Dumbledore wants them for! I will read it as soon as I can, I promise!
Thanks so much for your review, I will also reply to that as soon as I can, I just want to make sure I have enough time set aside to do a really good and well-thought out response! Thanks so much again, and well done on this story, I am really enjoying it and can't wait for more!
Author's Response: Thank you again for taking the time to read and review this chapter of this story! It is currently in the process of being revamped in order to address some pacing issues, and other things that you and other reviewers have pointed out.
I am glad that you enjoyed this chapter!