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Review:my_voice_rising says:
This fic needs some love! Really nice banner and interesting formatting of chapters. I'm excited to read!

Your introduction was really beautiful. One thing that I believe may help is to remove some of the words "weather," "rain," "heavy rain," "droplets," etc. I think you're just re-stating what we already know and it detracts a bit from your lovely use of language.

In the first chapter "the loud sound of books" should just be "books" falling--otherwise it reads as though she's still holding onto the books but the sound is the thing actually dropping to the ground.

You also switch tenses a lot--"it is not" and "was not," etc. Maybe you should look into getting a Beta reader? They really help out! And the forums have a thread where you can find one. "For Pete's sake" and "meanie-butt" are definitely Americanisms, something a Beta could help out with as well :)

Whoa, best friends with Draco? That certainly threw me for a spin. Didn't see that coming after he knocked her on the ground! I'm interested to see where this goes, as in what kind of friendship they have that Tamara would put up with that kind of behavior! It was nice, and very Draco, that instead of actually apologizing for being a complete ass he carried her books for her. I also liked your ending with the fire-breathing Draco.

Continuing on!

Author's Response: Hi MVR, thanks for stopping by to give me such a detailed review, I really appreciate it! :)

Haha, yes I know sometimes I can go overboard with the descriptive words; I'll be the first to admit that I get lost in them, but I was going for a romantised view of the world to start off with, as the story gets much darker from there, and *hopefully ;)* it'll get back to that nicer view on life for Tary as the story continues. But yes, I do see your point otherwise, I do get lost in description a lot!

Thanks for the grammar check ups - and I had to laugh that you think I'm American with the way I write... Aussie, m'dear :) A right side closer to the English-English dialogue than American's in my time writing. I actually thought I changed Pete's sake to Merlin's sake, but I clearly forgot to so thanks for letting me know about that too.

Yea, I'm trying to go for something different whilst keeping the die-hard Draco fanatics happy. I don't necessarily believe he's a good person (even if towards the end of the series JKR did give his character a pardon to an extent), but writing a nasty bugger 24/7 does get pretty old rather quickly, to write and to read lol. Thanks very much for the review and for giving it to me straight, much appreciated! Hope you enjoy the rest of the story to follow, Bobby xx


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