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Review:LoopyLemon says:
This is beautiful!

The first half was a wonderful insight into Gellert's mind. It was hugely enjoyable to read. You started it perfectly. Serendipitous is a really awesome word with a unique meaning. How did you decide to put it in there? You caught me completely by surprise with Ariana being the one he loved. I'm really interested to see how you progress his relationship with Albus.

The line where Ariana leads him to paradise was beautiful and perfect. It tugged on my heart strings.

The second half was a little slower going, but as this is longer than a one-shot, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact this chapter left me with just enough of a taster, I really want to read the rest now. It was a brilliant introduction.

This story most definitely follows logical order. It is really nice and easy to follow and a complete pleasure to read.

As for grammar and spelling. I wasn't watching too closely but you have missed words in a couple of places and a couple of sentences could be re-written for better flow and easier reading. Considering the length of this chapter, you have made a very good effort. To pick up these few remaining errors I suggest you read through your work one paragraph at a time, looking at each individual sentence on its own. Don't start reading the story, but simply read each sentence out and clarify that that individual sentence makes sense.

A couple of specifics I picked up:
- People passing in the street smile and greeted one another. (Should be smiled)
- held only several hundred tenants with over of the land owners being elderly. (I think you're just missing a word)
- You would get along quit well with (Should be spelled quite)

Don't worry too much about that though. It didn't affect the reading of the piece greatly.

I liked the parallel to the weeping angel, though it did make the setting more sinister than I think you intended (That's assuming the weeping angel was a reference to Doctor Who). And the reference to the bible quote was well done, I find writers tend to ignore the large influence Christianity had on JKR and therefore on her world.

All in all I really enjoyed this piece. It tugged on my heartstrings and made me feel a deep sense of compassion with the older Gellert, and then gave me just enough of a taster for younger Gellert's story that I am now hooked and can't wait for more :D

Author's Response: Wow, a long one!

I didn't really. I have a doc on my computer called 'cool words' and I found that word on it so I just integrated it into my story. :D

Thank you for pointing out those mistakes (I'm awful at picking them out myself).

Thank you!
Jasmine, x


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