Hello there! Ac here reviewing for the Improvement challenge! Sorry I didn't answer your post on my wall, but I was going to reply yesterday and say that I'd get round to doing your review that day, but then that neither things happened so I thought it might be safer to leave you the review than to make any more promises.
Firstly, there was this bit This was the one bit of magic that I was extremely excited for, not that I wasn’t excited about any of the other things we had learned so far because I really found this all fascinating, but whenever we were asked as little kids which bit of magic, not that we really believed in magic, we would most want, I always responded with teleportation, but being invisible would be my next choice.
Basically, I really loved the sentiment in this and it made me smile to think of Hermione getting so excited about learning appartion and I wanted to copy and paste something in the paragraph to highlight that bit that I liked, but then I realised that this sentence is a little bit awkward anyway. I do understand exactly what you mean, but I think you've managed to phrase it in a way which takes a few seconds to get your head round it. A really picky thing, I didn't like the 'this all fascinating' thing. To me, it just felt like something you wouldn't say after studying magic for so long. Not the fascinating bit but the 'this all' - I can't really explain what I mean about that, but I just didn't really like it. Maybe 'I found all magic fascinating" or something like that. But the main problem was the amount of subordination within the sentence - there were just so many clauses and it took a lot of brain power for me to process it (probably just the side effect of doing to much uni work, but there we go). So yeah, maybe just separate that out into more than one sentence or just get rid of part of the sentence. It wasn't all necessary information to be in there :)
Another really little thing Malfoy got up from his table, announcing to his friends, if you could call them that, that he was going back to their common room early and quickly dismissed any who tried to come with him. . Would she be able to hear him? I get that she probably deduced what was happening, but I think you should make that more explicit :)
starting humming the Pink Panther theme song in my head, since it seemed spy-like, I even made sure to press myself against the walls before peering around the corner to make sure that I wouldn’t be spotted.
This bit really made me laugh, but I wasn't sure how much I could buy into in terms of characterisation. I think I'd chalk that behaviour more up to Ginny rather than Hermione, so I'm a little unsure about that. Although, saying that, the characterisation so far has been really nice - you've managed to get her enthusiasm for learning and books across without it seeming overdone, which is lovely (a lot of the time when I read Hermione literally all she ever does is read a book).
It seemed almost as if the room itself was a maze in which one could get lost in. Maybe its a personal thing, but I always find the use of 'one' in internal thoughts a bit... off. I don't know many people that think in 'ones' and stuff like that and you've used it a couple of times. Obviously, that's quite a personal decision and feel free to ignore this comment.
Okay, I've now read all the way through so I'm going to stop being as specific and talk about a few things. So first, you have a really nice smooth writing style through all the bits of description and the lark, but there are a couple of instances when your sentences are a bit... formulaic or awkward. By formulaic I mean that you often use quite a few of the same sorts of sentences. For example, starting with and adverb so 'Quickly,' etc... or another small clause at the beginning. Now, there's nothing wrong with that and it's only because i was paying such close attention that I noticed how frequently you used those sorts of sentences.
With the awkward ones, it was like the first example I highlighted with the lots of clauses. You can tell that you're a good writer and have a good grasp of it all, there's just a couple of moments where it could be... sharper. But overall I thought all your description was lovely and smooth and really enjoyable to read. It didn't take work, which was nice. It was... pleasant.
I did, however, prefer your description to your dialogue. Most of the time I really liked your characterisation of Hermione/Draco, but I felt it slipped slightly with the dialogue. Not exactly what was said, but with Hermione saying 'hello Malfoy' 'cheerily' I just couldn't imagine my version of Hermione ever being found following someone and then responding 'cheerily'. And the 'just fancied a stroll' reminded me very much of Harry! Although I liked that line, ahha.
The other thing about the dialogue was the word 'junk.' I know this sounds silly and specific again, but I doubt that Draco would have thought using the same word - 'junk' - as Hermione did when looking around it. Because people are really creative, so maybe he called it 'stuff' or 'rubbish' in his head, but the word 'junk' detracted from the realism for me, because Hermione had mentioned it so much in her internal thoughts.
But yes, I really enjoyed this chapter and it really was very good (I'm being as critical as I can be in the name of improvement) and I'm sorry it took so long to get to you! Things have been fairly hectic. Thanks for entering the challenge and hopefully you'll have time for a second piece (if not, feel free to take longer than the deadline - I'll still R&R)
Author's Response: Wow! I honestly don't know what to say! This is such a wonderful review and I thank you so much for taking the time to leaving such a long and thoughtout review! I guess I've never really realized how much I use Quickly and other words like that to start sentences and I think in my newest piece I have tried to stay away from that. I think dialouge is also not my strongest part of writing and as it is a dramione set in the actual book times its going to be very hard to keep them in character so I will definately take a look into editing their conversations a bit to make it more in character. I'm really glad that you enjoyed the chapter! thank you so much for reading and reviewing!