Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Sapphire_Skies says:
Hello! This is SapphireatDawn from the forums with your review!

I think that you’ve got a fairly good base to work on, here. You’ve got a good vocabulary and a good grasp on spelling and punctuation, though I did question your word choice at times... things like ‘layers upon layers of clothing’ should be ‘layer upon layer’, using ‘farther’ instead of ‘further’, and sometimes your word choices were a little bland, which leads me onto my next point.

I think you need a little more descriptive emotion in this. Things that connect the reader to the scenery and inspires a little more excitement, for example here:

‘It was blood, and there was a lot of it leading straight into the Forbidden Forest, along with a set of footprints.’

It’s all very blandly stated with phrases like, ‘there was a lot of it’. Try coming up with something a little more interesting than ‘a lot’.

It’s interesting that your main character turns out to be Sirius, because a lot of my notes while reading this say things like, ‘why didn’t she do this’? Until you mentioned his name, I did think the character was female. Sirius appears fairly frequently in canon and has quite a recognisable character, but I couldn’t really connect this character with the one I read about in the books. You make attempts, for example the fact that he follows the blood trail, but it doesn’t really go far enough. Yes, I really can believe that Sirius might want to follow the trail of blood, but your explanation of him just being curious doesn’t go far enough. Perhaps if you mentioned his name earlier in the text, it might lend itself to explanation. This way, you could have mentioned why he was out of the castle (practicing Animagus transformations, perhaps?) and other ties to canon, such as his friends. Where are they at this moment? Will they miss him if he goes off?

So, onto your OC. We don’t really see much of her in this for me to make an informed analysis of her, so really she’s like a blank slate here. What I am a little wary about is the mention of her unusual coloured eyes. Be wary of falling into the Mary-Sue trap here! I have to add at this point about the amount of blood she appears to have lost not really matching up to her state of alert. If someone is bleeding that badly, if it’s enough for someone to notice, not just drops of blood, but that snow is red, they’re going to be in no fit state to make small talk. They’re definitely not going to be able to climb a tree or walk back to the castle unaided. I also think it’s horrifically shallow and insensitive of Sirius to be hitting on her when she’s in such a weakened state, and I do think that his attraction seems to have come out of nowhere. At that point, and in that scenario, I wasn’t really a fan of the romance. It felt very superficial that at a very serious moment that characters start noticing how attractive each other is.

But while I think you do need to work on this, it should be fairly easy to fix and, like I said before, you’ve got a good base for improvement. Work on your word choices and expanding your description and you’ll be improving in next to no time.

Author's Response: Thanks so much!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 707
Submit Report: