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Review:Roots in Water says:
It's Roots in Water here with your review!

To begin, let me just reassure you that you don't have a thing to worry about in terms of this story being interesting. It's beyond interesting- I don't think that I've ever read a fanfiction with a plotline even close to this one. The sheer newness of it will keep people coming back to read the new chapters and I'm sure that whatever plot(s) you have created for once they're actually in the wizarding world will be just as original. Bravo!

If you're looking to make this story more eye-catching from the get-go, I would request a banner at TDA if you don't want to make one yourself, since many people tend to stop and read the summary based on the banner.

I will admit that it took me a few reads through on the first chapter to understand that you were changing the perspectives. This can be a great technique but it felt as though you were flipping through them too quickly because each section was so short. I know that you would want to keep the first chapter very suspenseful but as the chapters go on, I would increase the length and detail of each perspective so that we can get a better understanding of their character. It definitely did help, though, that some of your characters are so different- with their immediately contrasting personalities it made it quite obvious that you were doing something with your sections.

As well, I liked how you set their world up so that it became obvious that the story wasn't taking place in the Wizarding world. The first clue - the "typing fingers"- you slipped in really well and it was what first caught my attention, because it's a well known fact that technology doesn't work around magic. You did it really well in very few words. However, as I mentioned before, I would be careful to increase the amount of description you include as your story settles into its stride. Without description the reader can't visualize what's happening in the story and that's something that will turn them off it.

The characters you have here are very interesting and seem to be very unique and from very different life-styles. I'm very interested to see how they interact with each other and the different perspectives that they have on their new adventure. I'm also very interested to learn why they were chosen out of everyone...

As for your flow, I think that you did a good job with your flow within sections- it was just when you jumped from point of view to point of view that the flow became a little rocky. This is most likely because you're writing from the first person for all of your characters, which forces the reader to rely on personality clues to figure out whose perspective it is. In the future, I would try and really be clear (without outright stating whose perspective it is) whose point of view it is through use of personality clues and name dropping (i.e. I turned to Albus, my brother, and said...- and sorry that it's not the greatest of examples...).

The only other comment I will make is that I would be careful with tenses. You switched a few times between past and present tense- I would choose just one tense, based on which one you're more comfortable with. Present tense tends to be used more for action stories while past tense can be used more easily for description.

All in all, I think that you're off to a fantastic start with your story. You have an amazingly original idea on your hands and you've started your story out well- all that remains is for the plot to truly thicken and for it to be fleshed out just a little bit more. Thank you for requesting a review and I hope that my comments are helpful! (Feel free to re-request!).

Author's Response:
Thanks for the great advice!

About the banner - I've already requested one a couple weeks back. (Still waiting on someone to pick it up, but you know, patience is a virtue! ;))

After reading through your whole review, I understand that the main issue I have is with making the sections too choppy, and of course a bit confusing. That's what I was worried about, but you confirming it makes it quite obvious what I have to edit. :)

Ooh, tense is something I've always had an issue with - I've been trying extra careful to be consistent, but sometimes I just can't get past tense to sound normal with what I'm trying to write. *mental note of things to improve on* X)

This was really helpful (like, as helpful as a bunch of cute puppies are when you want to make your day better ;)) and I'm thinking that I'll be re-requesting after I edit the first few chapters with your suggestions!


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