Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:manno_malfoy says:
Hello! I'm finally here with your requested review.

For a first chapter, I think this is a really good one. In the very beginning, when the POV shifted for the first time, I got a little worried that things would get tangled up. Nonetheless, I was surprised by how smoothly all the events seemed to flow and how just those few glimpses you've included here help characterise the two girls already!

Which brings me to my next point. You made it quite easy to see how different the two characters are, and not only in the way they speak, but in the way they deal with such simple things like mornings and packing. These are such little details that can add a lot to a character but we don't always pay attention to.

I also admire how you inserted things here and there to help us draw inferences about what sort of a life each of the characters has and it didn't feel forced or as though you were just trying to feed us information. It was all so natural that I really enjoyed it.

If there's one thing that may have distracted me a little, then it certainly would've been sentence length. Now, this is mostly a personal preference, but I thought I'd point it out because, at some points, I felt that the sentences were a bit too short and could've benefited from being merged.

That aside, I think you've written a wonderful first chapter with two interesting main characters who seem to be very well thought through, and I would love to see what'll be happening next.

Thank you for requesting and good luck with the rest of the story!

-Manno

Author's Response: Thank you very much for your feedback. I'm glad it was so easy to tell the two characters apart. I was a little worried about that.

Haha I usually get feedback about my sentences being too long. I will definitely have another look at this chapter and see what I can do to change it up. I possibly overcompensated a little when I was editing :D

Thanks again. Your time is hugely appreciated. Have a hug!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 561
Submit Report: