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Review:my_voice_rising says:
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review. I'll be writing as I read ;)

Sidebar: gorgeous banner. I think it's really going to draw people in because it's interesting and requires you to take a second look.

Really good introductory sentence. It certainly draws the reader in. Unfortunately, the next sentence is a little clumsy. Perhaps if it was worded differently--namely not saying "fact" twice--it would continue to draw readers in. There's also an overload on punctuation, I think, throughout the first scene. It's beautifully written but we end up focusing more on the cadence in which we're supposed to read it, than the words. The first paragraph or so is one of the most important parts of a fic and you need to keep readers interested. Perhaps getting a Beta reader to help you with your punctuation would be a good idea? I think a little reworking here would really pay off! :)

I really like that you've broken each sin into a different section with a different quotation. I haven't seen this often on HPFF and think it's a really unique idea. There's some beautiful language here, like "He was small, she smaller, delicate as feathers fallen from birds." Also, "He would do very nearly anything to see her smile, equal parts wicked and lovely."

Your metaphor of Severus consuming Lily as an example of gluttony is wonderful. "Lily-his." So intriguing and innocently disturbing.

I don't know about repeating "There are seven deadly sins; Severus knows them well." Maybe if you just had the first half of it there? The reader would certainly recognize that you're referring to an earlier part of your story. Also, slight typo--the next sentence says "not just the things a person one should strive away from."

I love that hope is the eighth deadly sin. Wonderful. I think you've done a great job of portraying angst in a very believable way--Severus is numb to the world but will never be able to forget these thoughts that are haunting him. Great work, here. :)

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you for this review -- and I'm very sorry about the extended period you've had to wait for a response on it. Isn't the banner beautiful? hedwidgeon's truly an artistic genius!

I do see where you're coming from about the second sentence, although will all due respect, I'm leaving it as is. :) I'm perfectly satisfied with the readers I have drawn in with this story, and though you've mentioned cadence over words as a negative thing, I'm definitely taking that as a positive comment. There is an intended rhythm to this story, and that's why it's written the way it is. Punctuation in this story is included stylistically, on purpose, to achieve a certain effect and tone.

I'm glad you liked the language and phrases I included here! That goes along with the poetic tone, you see. ;) Repetition is also a factor in that, which is why I repeated the sentence about the seven deadly sins. This one-shot is intended less as straightforward prose and more of something stylistic, and I perhaps needed to have mentioned that in the review thread, because you seem to have read with straightforward intent.

Thank you for taking the time to review this for me -- I do appreciate it very much!


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