|Review:||The Last Marauder says:|
Okay, I've read this about three times now, so I think I've got a good enough feel of it to give the best review I can.
I like how you capture Sirius and Regulus in this story, the fight seemed something that two different brothers would do. I really loved this line that Regulus said: "Youíll find out soon enough that choices make a difference in this world Sirius. Not flying off at the moments when youíre mad" - that is just such a brilliant line!
Okay, I've tried to come up with CCs for you. Just when Mr Black says "Where do you think you're going", Sirius replies with: "Anywhere is better than here." But that does not really make sense because it's not responding to the question posed. He should say something like "I don't know, but anywhere is better than here".
Also, this does not really make sense to me, these two lines: "With Orion upstairs still trying to comfort a distraught Walburga, Sirius looked at Regulus." and "Regulus ran up the stairs to a now bawling mother." - Why is Walburga distraught and bawling? I don't really understand why, because she is giving Sirius all this verbal abuse and it just does not add up why she would be distraught, I think you need to explain that a little bit more. I know Kreacher says that Sirius's departure broke his mother's heart, but it doesn't really add up in this scene if that makes sense.
Also, when Sirius arrives at the Potters, I don't know, I just think if he is going to tell someone what happened, it would be James, he wouldn't just tell all to Mrs Potter on the doorstep. He'd say something like "Is James around?" and Mrs Potter would ask if he is alright, but he wouldn't answer. I think he would tell James first, then James would tell his parents, if that makes sense. Then again, it could just be me here.
All that said, I think the conversation between James and Sirius at the end was really nice, it really made the piece because you capture the reasons why we love the two characters, they are just a bunch of fun-loving trouble-makers.
Oh yeah, I spotted one typo:
"She called out ss [as?] she climbed the stairs to look into the face of her son."
Anyway, this is really shaping up to be a really good story. I love the idea of exploring Sirius's and Regulus's relationship, it's something I never thought about before, and it sounds very interesting. I am really looking forward to the rest of it!
I'll review the next chapter either tomorrow or Sunday! Really looking forward to it! :-)
Author's Response: Hi there!
So I have been thinking a lot about this review and how/what I wanted to say when I responded to it. I would rather it be a thoughtful one since you took time out to read and review it to give your feedback and help with this story.
That line I loved too! I thought it fitted Sirius so well and for Regulus to pick up on it and point out Sirius's flaws works with the overall character display going on here.
Ah yes...the very dreaded Orion Black... hahaha :) I will have to change that line to because you're right Sirius isn't answering the question asked he is just speaking and it doesn't seem to flow as well as it could.
I am glad that you pointed out the flaw with Walburga. I have always felt that something was off with her character wise here and I think you really did a great job bringing that to the forefront of my mind and what I have to change.
I already have a couple of changes that I am going to make to those lines you pointed out. Those were very helpful!
That is a good observation that you pointed out about Sirius and who he tells first. I think you're right that he would tell James and then James would relay what he learned to his parents. I will have to change that around a bit.
I am really excited that you like the way the relationship between Sirius and James is shown.
Darn it! Yes, that is a magnificant typo! :)
I am glad that you like the story so far and the story line/idea. I really like exploring where and what the minds of Sirius and Regulus could take a story and when you put the two together, it really shapes up to be quite a journey. I really appreciate the wonderful, very helpful review! I really want to finish this story and I adore the motivation that your reviews have given me to trudge onwards with it.
Thank you so much again and I look forward to all of your wonderful reviews!!!