Ha! Brilliant. What a great-send-up.
You hit on something that's always been a bit of a sore subject for me. I'll keep my commentary brief so it doesn't take you all day to read it. Dumbledore's "plan" -- if you want to dignify it with a term that implies forethought -- was really stupid and had a vanishingly small chance of actually working. Seriously, try to think it through for a moment:
Step 1 - Pick your champion.
Step 2 - Keep secrets from him. Lots of them. Reveal information only after he's more or less worked it out for himself.
Step 3 - Don't teach him any skills that might actually be helpful along the way. When he absolutely must learn something, delegate that task to somebody who despises him.
Step 4 - Conceal the existence of powerful magical objects that could actually be useful.
Step 5 - When you do decide to open up just a bit -- maybe when you've screwed up and sealed your own fate, for instance -- speak only in riddles. Take overwhelmingly difficult tasks and make them even harder.
Step 6 - Remember the guy who despises your champion from Step 3? Make him the centerpiece of the entire plan.
Step 7 - Send three completely inexperienced kids out into the cold, cruel world to search for small, cursed and carefully-hidden objects while being pursued by history's most powerful dark wizard and his army of fanatical followers.
Step 8 - Wait until your champion is battered, exhausted and emotionally wrecked to let him know that this is a suicide mission.
Step 9 - If, against all reasonable expectations, the plan actually makes it this far, show up in the kid's near-death experience and act like you knew all along that things were gonna work out like this.
Step 10 - Hang out on a wall inside Hogwarts until the end of time, letting everyone think that you're the smartest guy in history.
Sorry, just had to get that out of my system.
I thought you did a wonderful job of giving both Harry and Dumbledore very different, modern, irreverent voices as they casually tear down some of the more far-flung pillars of the HP story. Your writing, especially your choices of metaphor and turns of phrase, were really, really good. I loved some of the references you worked in and the different spins that you put on them. The two that immediately jump to mind are Harry macking on a super-fine Ravenclaw and the very true fact that pumpkin juice would be, in reality, disgusting.
I have nothing else. Brilliant job, and congratulations on your well-deserved Dobby award!
Author's Response: Hi, there! Thanks for stopping by to read this bit of drivel. This is the sort of thing that happens when I write after midnight.
Oh my goodness, I know! Dumbledore is one seriously negligent Headmaster. He kept an enormous three-headed dog inside a school full of children, behind a door that could be unlocked by the simplest unlocking spell ever. But the worst thing he did, I think, was his complete inaction when it came to students who went home every holiday to Death Eater parents - kids who were surrounded by Voldemort. While Dumbledore spent so much time pruning Harry into a perpetually-confused teenager who didn't know why Voldemort wanted to murder him so badly, he should have been doling out shrinks to help these kids cope. None of this is real, of course, but when I take a second to think about it I realize just how horribly Dumbledore ignored the Slytherins. It's no wonder they grew up to become Death Eaters.
And he's definitely something of a manipulator, to be honest, since he ensnared so many loyal followers in the exact same way that Voldemort did. They trusted blindly, even the otherwise-sharp ones like McGonagall. It really makes you think about how noble Dumbledore really was!
Thank you, and congrats on your own Dobby!