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Review:manno_malfoy says:
Hello, I'm here with your requested review!

I think you have a great story here and what helps is that there weren't technical mistakes to distract me from the context and from the message you're trying to send.

I really like what you've done here because I feel that everything here was straightforward! I don't think you can get to the root of a problem as destructive as bullying in a one-shot - people write whole novels on that. Nonetheless, I think you've given us a good glimpse at what it could be like.

At some points, I felt that your character may have been a little oversensitive. She's a Seventh Year yet a little comment at class managed to get her onto the verge of tears? It seemed a bit weird to me. Yet, I understand the part that sent her running down the hall. You'd think after being told the same thing for seven years and being insulted over and over again the same way you'd grow numb to it, but I do believe it hurts every time. I also think that a person can be very insecure during their last year at school because after that, they're going to be thrown into the real world and they may feel under-prepared. So I really understood that part and liked it. I think you can add a lot more emotion to this story though through description of what it feels like, what it is that leads her to believe her bullies or if she believes them at all, how she used to deal with it when she was younger and if it has gotten worse as she grew up and so on. That's only my opinion though.

What I admired even more was how there wasn't really a happy ending here. Something like bullying doesn't stop overnight. Nonetheless, on the brighter side of things, you've had the victim Clara teach one of her bullies a lesson, and maybe without really noticing it. I doubt that after seeing Clara's outburst over being bullied James would have it within him to bully someone again. Unless he's heartless or something, and I don't think he is. No heartless person would go along with Dom's intervention if they weren't hoping to be better people.

As for dialogue... I had one problem with the conversation in the kitchen though. I felt that James repeated the d-word (I'm not sure if we can mention it in reviews) way too many times, like he didn't know any other way to put it. And at some point, it bugged me a little. This totally is a personal preference thing and I thought I'd point it out.

I think this is a really good story and that it has delivered this important message well. Well done and good luck with the challenge! And thank you for requesting; I hope I was helpful! :)

-Manno

Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks for taking the time to review this! :)
I'm glad there weren't any technical mistakes! :D
Er... I don't know if you're implying that this is a one-shot but it's actually a short story so there will be more! :p Sorry for any confusion!
But I'm glad to hear that I gave a good outlook! :D
I understand that you think she may be oversensitive but imagine every day you get picked on, people give you horrible looks, mean rumours etc., you tend to take a lot of things to heart. And especially when you do something wrong which can cause even more bullying. Most people who are bullied have a bad self-esteem and they take everything to heart so that's what I was trying to reflect on. It seemed strange when I re-read it but I know when I was picked on, that's what I felt like. Unless that was just me?
Anyway, I understand that you think it's oversensitive but that's kind of Clara's nature. Yeah, some people don't become numb (like Clara) and it hurts them so very much.
I will be adding a lot more details in the next few chapters but thank you for pointing that out! It's a very good opinion, thank you! :)
Bullying never stops overnight (sadly) and I'm kind of glad (?) that it doesn't have a happy ending because the story isn't over yet! ;)
No, James isn't heartless - he just had a superiority problem! ;)
Okay, I hear (well... see) you about the dialogue! I'll change that and thanks for pointing that out! :)
Thank you so much for taking the time to review this and you were really helpful, thank you so much! :D


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