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Review:Elphaba and Boyfriends says:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

First of all, I really like that you anchor Snape's memory and regret to the image of the rickety steps - I can see and hear him running down those steps in my mind as I read your story. :)

I also like your complex depiction of Snape; he's jealous and hateful but also acknowledges that James made Lily happy. The were only a couple of moments that struck me as OOC for him.

"He was kind, chivalrous, funny, clever and he fit perfectly with her." Even if Snape admitted that James was chivalrous and funny, I can't imagine him ever describing James as "kind." Lily was always the one who people described as kind.

I might also edit this sentence: "Her son wouldn't have had been forced to grow up, he'd be exactly the same as her husband, getting in trouble constantly but still have an air of confidence surrounding him." I just think Snape always saw James as arrogant rather than confident. Later on in your story, he describes how James changes: "He stopped being arrogant, yet he was still confident." I think this sentence works better, and would leave it as is. The earlier mention of confidence seems jarringly un-Snapelike, where as this later one fits.

I really like your depiction of Lily; how she snorts when she laughs, swears like a sailor, and has frizzy hair. It's great that you give her imperfections, and show that Snape loved them because they were a part of who she was. I also like how you contrast his and James' reactions, and that James' honesty earns him a laugh rather than the anger Snape expects. :)

The only critique I have about your writing is that you use "he" so much to denote Snape, Harry and James that I got confused from time to time about who you meant. I think it would help to replace the first mention of James or Harry in each paragraph with their name. You could also switch to first person, using "I" for Snape to differentiate him from the others.

Overall, I like this peep into Snape's psyche a lot. I'm always happy to read something that provides some new insight into his head. I sense here that he really struggles with his feelings for Harry, and that he has changed over the years rather than remaining static. :)

Author's Response: Hello! Thanks for taking the time to review this! :)
I'm glad too hear that you like the rickety steps bit! :)
Okay I hear you about the OOC things, I just wanted to have a go at writing him being really unhateful. But if it's that OOC I'll change it (one day - I have a lot on my plate now), so thanks for pointing that out!
Hmm... I was trying to steer clear away from names, but if it's confusing - other reviews have said that as well - I'll make Harry and James' names clearer! :) I don't think I'll do first person because then I'd have to change the whole thing - but thanks for the advice!
I'm glad you liked this insight into Snape's mind, I was trying to be a bit different! :p
Anyway, thank you so much for taking the time to review this - all the advice is really appreciated! ♥


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