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Review:Gryffin_Duck says:
Hi A_w! Finally getting to your review. :)

First I have to comment on the plot, because this prologue is very intriguing! Your description was great. Despite the fact that Lorcan was ten in this, the way you described him and what he was doing in the beginning made it seem like he was much older. I really liked that!

I enjoyed the air of mystery you had in much of this. Your story summary just mentions Lily, Scorpius, and Snape, so I was hooked by the fact that the prologue was about Lorcan. I wanted to keep reading in order to figure out how he fit into the plot. The fact that you didn't tie it all up until the very end worked well.

Now onto your writing style. As I mentioned before, your description was really well done. There wasn't too much of it, but I was able to imagine everything happening. I got a really good sense as to the environment as well as Lorcan himself.

A few of your sentences were very long, with many sections tied together by commas. They distracted me a bit, and they'd probably do better if separated. There weren't many, but a few in the very beginning of the chapter were written that way.

There wasn't much dialogue in this chapter, of course, but the dialogue that was there worked well. Lorcan's fear came across well in his dialogue, as did Snape's anger.

The part where it transitioned between when Lorcan was ten and the present time was slightly jarring. I had to go back and reread to figure out that a time jump had occurred. I'm not sure exactly how to remedy that. Perhaps a page break? It's something you might want to play with.

I really enjoyed this chapter! Great description, especially. I always admire people who write good description. Feel free to re-request for another chapter! :)

Author's Response: I'm so bad, stealing review spots away from members. But I can't help myself. At least other staff know we won't ban your account if you something negative about our stories :P

Seriously, though, thank you for the review. I'm glad you liked the chapter. I'm always unsure about the amount of description to use, though I guess that's a pretty common concern. You can tell when a story has way too much or way too little, but everything in the middle can get a bit murky. I'm glad it seemed to work here okay.

You're right about a few sentences in the beginning being too long. I know I have a habit of abusing the comma (and the dash) on occasion, especially in the narration. I'll definitely have a look at chopping a few of those up.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean about the change in time. Other than when a few hours pass with Lorcan in the bushes, from the time he's pulled into the house until the last line is all one big chunk of time/the span of about 10 minutes. Hmmm... I'll look at it again and make sure I've made that clear.

Thank again for the review. I hope your review thread has been treating your well :D


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