Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Arithmancy_Wiz says:
Back again with review number two!

I thought this was another strong chapter. It's a really great parallel to chapter one. We saw Molly at work, now we get to see Finn at work. We met one of Molly's friends, now we get to me a few of Finn's. We got a taste of his family through Declan, and we can see that Molly's not the only one regretting some past decisions. I thought it was really nice how you made the two chapters line up so well.

I'm usually not a big fan of POV changes (just a personal preference), but you use it really effectively here. Romances really do lend themselves well to using both sides of the pairing to tell the story. This is especially true if it's going to be a few chapters until the characters start interacting with each other in any major way.

Just as with Molly, I'm already getting a great sense of Finn's character, and I really like him. You've made him so relatable, the kind of person we'd want Molly to end up with. I like that he's more mature than his friends -- even though it seems to cause him some angst. There is that struggle in your twenties to still have fun and go out, but to also start think about settling down, working hard at your career, staying in touch with your family even though you live your own life now. I thought you captured a lot of that here.

If I can offer some CC, I thought sometimes the dialogue was a little formal. I thought Connor's lines were very well written but some of the exchanges between Declan and Finn felt a little stiff. Here are two examples:

-- "'s just my patience are just about shot as of late." As of late isn't a phrase I hear a lot in conversation so it stood out a bit here.

-- "but I need to get some sleep because I have a client meeting early tomorrow morning." The because here is a little formal. It might be a bit more conversational if you broke it into two sentences.

Just as a side note, at the end of the scene, there are about nine lines of dialogue in a row and you identify the speaker with a dialogue tag in eight of them. Since it's just the two of them in the scene, you could eliminate most of them to help improve flow.

Another fun chapter. I can't wait to see what's waiting for Molly when she gets home. I'll definitely be back to read more soon!

Author's Response: Thanks for another review! I'm glad you like Finn and so relieved that this second chapter was as strong as the first with it being from a different perspective. Also, glad that I was able to capture the age range well as sometimes I can have difficulty with that aspect of the writing, but I felt more in my element here since I am in my early twenties and have lived on my own.

Thanks for pointing those critiques out. I'm trying to use dialogue tags less now after the adv fiction workshop I took last semester because one of the things the prof told us was to use dialogue tags sparingly so I'm working on that. And I'm glad you also pointed out those spots where the dialogue was too formal and 'as of late' I think is more of a southern phrase because I know people who have used it in dialogue but I completely get where you're coming from as I can see how that might sound a little awkward now that I've read it back out loud. Thanks again!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 206
Submit Report: