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Review:ChaosWednesday says:
Hey there,its Whiskey from the forums again :)

Well, this chapter was quite a treat! Although the descriptions slip overboard once in a while, there were some really beautiful bits to make up for that! In the beginning of the chapter, when you describe the daylight, contrasting its effect on the surroundings and the way it appears through closed eyelids, that not only added life to the story, it also set the tone of disorientation and half-trasparency that is relevant to the plot.

You managed to make every switch from scene to scene smooth and very visual, which, as a film student, I liked a lot!

The writing style in general is good, with several exceptions (for example a few odd sentences like this: "Across the room, the man sitting on the bed three away looks up, the gesture so quick, so reflexively, he jumps, starting.").
One thing that bothered me, though, was the way you pile on "and"s sometimes. It's not a bad writing tecnique on it's own, of course, it just didn't seem to fit the mood of the rest of the piece. Gilderoy's inner world, the way I perceieved it, appears to be colored with melancholy and regret. Reading piled on "and"s, for me, always has something innocent and, for lack of a better word, uncontemplative and associative about it. It worked well in Plath's "Bell Jar" because the story was told by a woman that was unable to understand her own mind, but your narration is otherwise too thoughful and the ideas in it seem too clear for this particular way of writing.That is just my opinion, though.

Another thing that struck me was the difference between the first chapter and this one. This one had themes, the switch between scenes had a logic to it and,if I interrpeted it right, also made more sense. The idea is that Gilderoy, after having his own memory spell backfire, is now lying in St.Mungo's, letting bits and pieces of his past come back to him, correct? The first chapter did not leave me so sure about any interpretation. But in retrospect, it doesn't quite fit with the second chapter either. Regulus seemed like some sort of projection that was sent to dig around in Gilderoy's brain for information (I swear that's what I thought! :D). It just didn't feel like a memory.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed this story! And I hope I was helpful :)
Cheers!

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