Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:onestop_hpfan18 says:
I liked the interaction between Lily and Al in this chapter. It added more intrigue to the plot and I'm wondering more and more about Lily's relationship with Scropius now. Especially of the reason they stopped being friends, though they clearly still want to be friends despite it all. The struggle in Lily is made clear in this chapter and you do a really good job building her character up in revealing her thoughts bit by bit.

I especially liked this line of description: '...the words seemed to climb up and off the page and straight into her heart like the sharp blade of a cold knife.' I seriously felt a shiver go up my spine when I read that, it really amplified the tension of the atmosphere with the use of imagery. Excellent play on words.

Now I have some critique: try to avoid using verbs in dialogue tags for the most part. I have the same issue that I am constantly struggling with, but am trying to overcome as a creative writing prof has told me that in contemporary fiction 'he said, she said' is more commonly used with verbs being saved to use more in the description/narration of the story. But really, this doesn't mean you have to get rid of all the extra add-on in the dialogue tags (just keep it to a minimum as too much can distract from the dialogue being said).

Also, I think this should be placed in italics since you're temporarily changing the perspective: '...stop being such a git and maybe the other players will quit trying so hard to knock you off your broom.' Though, if you changed the 'you' and 'your' to 'him' and 'his' respectively than it would flow more in the current third person perspective (but this is just a suggestion). If you put it in italics, at least then the reader will be aware that this is something the character is either thinking (thought dialogue) or has stated in the past.

Typo: '...copious amount of untidy brown hair...' I'm assuming you meant 'amounts' and just forgot to add on an 's' here. Happens to me all the time (especially when I'm writing notes in lecture as fast as I can so I can keep up with what the prof is saying... I tend to drop off the end letter often and discover this when I'm rereading my notes afterward).

Also, a comment, my first thought was whether 'incase' was really one word or two words. MSWord seemed to think it was okay as one word, but Firefox is saying differently so I'm not sure. But my first instinct when I saw that in this sentence was that it's two words: '...a fair bit of distance between them incase...'

Aside from those critics there really isn't anything else I saw that needs feedback on. I still love the mystique that surrounds each scene, building more on the atmosphere of the story as a whole. And the character interaction is well worded and flows from Lily to Albus and back. I love the sibling rifts between them, especially when Lily punches Albus's arm despite him saying it was his bad arm due to an injury because of what he had said prior to earning it. It shows the strength of the character, despite the fact that she's still in a vulnerable position where her fragile relationship with Scorpius is concerned. Over all, excellent chapter and I can't wait to read more. :D 10/10

Author's Response: Thank you so much for another lovely review. I'm really glad you enjoyed the chapter.

I really get a kick out of writing siblings so Al and Lily's relationship has been extra fun to play with in this story. I'm glad you thought certain bits here showcased Lily's character. I tend to think siblings bring out a whole other side of people so I was hoping to show a different side to Lily here than what the reader saw when she was with Scorpius. And I'm so glad you liked the line about the knife. That was a late addition to the chapter.

Thank you for pointing out the things you did. I've never taken any creative writing courses before so I love to hear what other people have learned. I didn't know about the verbs in dialogue tags. I'm usually pretty good at keeping adverbs out of them but now I have something else to keep an eye out for, so thank you! And I'll definitely fix those typos you spotted. I can't believe I didn't notice the you/your one.

Thank you again for the review!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 789
Submit Report: