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Review:ob sessed says:
Hi Jess, it's Preaah from the forums! :)
I'm here with your review! So I'll begin with the nitpicky things, okay?

In your very first sentence, I find this bit a tad awkward: "His breakfast is unceremoniously interrupted when a package lands in the middle of his plate, scrambled eggs soaring through the air like shrapnel into the faces of those seated around him." It's more of the way the first half doesn't connect with the second smoothly. Maybe if you worded it like "...when a package lands in the middle of his plate causing scrambled eggs to soar..." I think it would sound better like that.

Similarly, this sentence is also lacking a connector: "Shaking his head, he allows his gaze to drop downwards to where his meal had previously been, now replaced by a lumpy package of sorts." Maybe add: "...had previously been, which has now been replaced by..."

Oh this isn't anything nitpicky but I love LOVE this sentence: "He is indeed not his own person, but rather an exact copy of another." Actually I love that entire paragraph. It's so beautifully put together and so poignant. Right, moving on though hehe...

In this sentence: "The more he thinks about it, the more it comes clear to him" the word comes should be 'becomes'..

In this sentence: "This was only to be made worst when the pair was eleven" the word 'worst' should actually be 'worse' and grammatically, it's a bit awkward. I think "this was only made worse when the pair were eleven..." sounds better.

In this one: "for the few moments in sat atop his head" I think you meant 'it' not 'in'.

And I'm not too sure about this sentence "fall in love with the infinities of courage and pretty girls it leaves at their very fingertips." I think the 'infinities of courage' sounds a bit awkward. I understand its place in the whole scheme of things but maybe rewording it?

Okay, now onto the meat of things! You said you've never written angst before? Well believe you me, that did not come across in this at all! There's a perfect amount of angst and light-heartedness in Lysander's voice that doesn't overwhelm the readers. You have a great way understanding of your character and it translates well into your writing because Lysander, although he's very down on himself, is actually a really loveable character. It makes me want to know more and cheer for him! And no, you definitely don't need dialogue. I think the style you've written this piece in works better without it actually. I think it would've detracted from the story so don't worry ;) So aside from the nitpicking above, I really love this story! Enough to favourite it ;)!

Hope this helps! xx

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for stopping by!

Thank you so much for all the "nitpicky" suggestions; they're really helpful and I really appreciate it! (I might just keep the first line as it is though just because I'm kind of partial to it...I suck, I know haha - but the others I will take!) Sometimes I just don't realize that I'm using the wrong word or something like that so it really helps to have it pointed out to me :)

And thank you so much! I feel like that whole paragraph was a great moment for myself and Lysander; it was really the point in the story where I got to know him. I really got into his head right there and I really wanted to get his feelings right so I spent a lot of time on those lines. So I'm so unbelievably glad that you liked it! Ah!

I think the "infinities of courage" was probably one of those moments where I knew what I meant and then probably didn't translate well haha. I'll see what I can do; if I can't think of a better way to express what I meant, I leave it be but otherwise I'll change it :)

And I haven't written angst before! (But I will more often now haha). You're so very sweet ahhh thank you so much! :) I really had such a wonderful time writing this so I'm so glad that you enjoyed it! And that you favorited it! Thank you!

Thanks once again!

~Jess :D


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