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Review:Violet Gryfindor says:
This is very good, highly evocative and real with its harsh, pained tone. You bring the reader right into the narrator's mind, allowing the reader to fill in the gaps as they please, searching for clues to understand this fractured person. I like what you've achieved with this story, particularly at the moment when the narrator refuses to let them steal his/her scars - they have become part of his/her identity, and to lose them would be to lose all they have left. Losing the scars would also, on a more superficial level, remove all outward signs that the narrator had experienced the war - the scars on the skin reflected the scars on the narrator's mind. Without those outer scars, the inner scars would lose meaning - people would not be able to recognize them for what they are.

In 500 words, you've presented a complex, fascinating study of trauma and the lasting suffering it causes. The short sentences have more punch to them and give the story a bit of a clinical feeling, too - the narrator is so fractured that they've dissociated from... well... everything. I don't think that the narrator ever sees clearly in this story - all they see are those scars, until they become the narrator's world, and consume it whole.

There were a couple of things that upset the flow of the story. The main one was the sudden inclusion of "you" and the reference to the one who left - it jerked me out of the story. Is the narrator accusing the "you"? How is the story being told? The "you" part came and went so fast that I wasn't sure whether it was actually necessary - it's handy to keep the story gender-neutral, but it also throws things off.

The other potential issue was the line "I was a stronger person now", where the verb tense becomes problematic - it's something I've had trouble with in my own stories, so I notice it too easily. You may want to reword that sentence.

Otherwise, fantastic work on this story! I've been admiring its banner, and I'm glad to have had the chance to read the story behind it. :D

Author's Response: Thanks so much!
I wanted the narrator to be all fractured because people with mental illnesses have a fragmented mind and they don't speak very eloquently. :p
Hmm... I wasn't too happy with the 'you' bit either but as it was based on the song by the Script, I felt like it should have been in there - but I might go and change it to make it better! :)
I understand what you mean by the line "I was a stronger person now", so I'll go back and change that. :)
Thank you so much for reviewing and giving me this crit, I was really worried about it! :)
The banner is gorgeous isn't it? I'll sometimes go to my page and just stare at it's beauty! :p
Thank you so much for your help! :)


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