Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:pennyardelle says:
Hi Prea! I saw your link to your new story in the status updates, and thought I'd come by to leave you a review. :) Welcome back to HPFF, by the way!

Milly seems to have a very well-defined voice. I like that she keeps to herself and has a mind of her own. It's also nice that you've balanced out her pessimism and jadedness by revealing that she is an optimist at heart.

I also love the potential for further conflict that you've set up in this first chapter. There's the Teddy and Victoire situation, which I sense might cause some tension, and also the fact that her little brother is in Slytherin.

The only thing I would suggest is to work on getting the dialogue to sound a bit more realistic, particularly in the scene between Milly and the Slytherins. It just stuck out to me a bit as sounding too...slick, or polished, or something like that. For example, when Milly said, "It's my brother therefore it did," I think it might get across the same point, but sound more natural, if you just had her say, "He's my brother." Even if you were to break up some of your lines of dialogue, it might give it a more natural rhythm. That line could instead read something like: "He's my brother," Milly countered. "Of course it concerned me." With that break, it just sounds more realistic than having it all delivered in one slick line. (Also, on another dialogue-related note--the swearing towards the end seemed a bit gratuitous.) One thing that I find really helps with dialogue is to say the line out loud, and ask yourself whether it's something you (or one of your friends) would really say in normal conversation.

Anyway, though--it's a great start to the story! It's great to see you back and writing again, so keep it up! :)

Author's Response: Hii! Gosh it's been a long time! Thank you hehe :)

Anyway, onto your review! Milly is definitely a different sort of character than I'm used to so really, thank you for that comment. And yes, there will be quite a lot of conflict.. I hope anyways. My other fics are a lot more humour-based but I would like this to be a nice balance between humour and drama. But then again, planning has never been my forte.. my characters just write themselves lol.

I struggled with that argument scene for awhile, deleting and adding and deleting. It has always felt awkward to me but you're right, I really need to fix that! Thank you for pointing that out :P

And thank you again for the review!! I have definitely missed you and everyone in HPFF! It has been too long xD xx


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 559
Submit Report: