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Review:EverDiggory says:
I'm here again!

Alright, so I know I brought this up the last time, but since you're looking to improve your writing I'm willing to hold your nose to the grindstone to help you(; But the authors note, maybe it's just me, but perhaps bold it? Or perhaps a page break before that? I am nitpicking here, but for some reason it really throws me off looking like the rest of the text. I'm being ridiculous, but nonetheless.

Characterization: I think you did really well for Draco. While he was hurt, he did try to hide it and he didn't suddenly turn all nice nice on Hermione. His hateful words and spiteful attitude made him very in character. I often find him one of the hardest to keep in character, so good job! As for Hermione, I think you have her spot on as well. She didn't go mushy on Draco, she didn't make a huge scene in the common room, which is a plus. I love how she didn't further press Draco, and I loved how she was observant enough to realize why Draco was in there. It was very..Hermione-ish(; Good job! I don't know if I should comment on Harry, because he wasn't really a focus for the chapter, but the fact that he kinda suffered silently with Hermione and didn't make a huge scene was pretty in character!

Imagery: This is particularly tricky because, bless your heart, you have written this in first person. I love first person dearly, but it is a tricky devil. I know it is, but perhaps you could add a little more. I liked how you described Draco's puffy, pink eyes but think there is room for more. Perhaps go for describing Draco's appearance further, but not excessively? It really is a difficult fine balance, but I'm sure you could do it! I think, perhaps, you should make it a point to describe Harry slightly as well? Maybe even the common room while the celebrations are taking place?

Flow: The flow was pretty good! You've really got it down, there aren't any messy jumps and there are plenty of transitioning sentences that really smooth out the seams.

Plot: I'm mildly interested, but I don't wonder if the first and second chapter could have been combined? Ultimately, I don't recommend it because you're rather far into the story and the reviews you have shouldn't be lost, but I think you're progressing nicely. At first I thought it was a little slow, but upon thinking quite hard about it, I realized it was actually just realistic(; I'm curious as to what happens in the next chapter and what part Draco will be playing in all this. I'm also curious as to Ron's going to react to this. I'm still rather put out by him because he's so daft.

Areas that I think could use some extra work: Imagery. Yes, this is a difficult area but I think it would certainly add to it. I love Hermione's thoughts, but they seem a little empty to me. I want to read some deeper thoughts! You have some of them, but lots of them are like this one "It turned out to be Parvati Patil, which was a bit of a relief to me to know that I wouldn't have to be alone with Lavender tonight." Perhaps its just me, but I think it would be interesting to read Hermione dreading that it just may be Lavender, and then noting the relief when it was just Parvati. I'd really have also like to seen her wondering more about Draco, not just wondering when she was around him because it seems to me that question would really plague her thoughts. I think she'd also think about Ron quite a bit and why he was so daft, I mean... and why he doesn't realize how badly he's hurting her.

I'm always here to help if you need it. If you'd like, I'd find it quite a fun project to help you improve! (Which, if I may point out at this time, you are quite good! But, theres no harm in bettering something thats already quite polished)



Author's Response: Thank you once more for being willing to tackle this huge project with me. I'm so glad that you are enjoying this story! It is going to progress rather slowly but I feel that for a dramione that is really the only way to go to make it realistic in any way! I will look into those few suggestions to make this story better including figuring out how to bold the ANs at the bottom so that reader doesnt think that there is still more to read. Thank you once more for taking the time to read and review!


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