Hi, here with your review! Thanks for asking!
I think this is terribly. interesting!!! I haven't read much about the Black family, but I've always been kind of intrugued by the family of dark wizards. I throughly enjoyed your style of writing in this piece, I haven't read much with this kind of narrative. I myself perfer to write in a past tense, third person omnipresent fashion. I liked the present tense of this story. I was worried, because sometimes writers will get mixed up and start mixing two tenses, but you did wonderfully. It kept my attention to the very end. My interest is definatley piqued, and I want to know more. I'm also curious as to when this is taking place. Approx. how old is Sirius here?
I found just a minor thing that might help with the readablility. Now, I'm not trying to beta and I hope I'm not being too picky, but there's a sentence that I thought could use some tweaking:
(Quote:) They all look at him, none daring to question if they would be brought back – Pollux Black is a man who has means of accomplishing everything he sets out to do and his family all know it well – or how they would be brought back. (end quote)
I think it would read better like this:
They all look at him, none daring to question if they would be brought back or how. Pollux Black a man who has means of accomplishing everything he sets out to do and his family all know it well.
Looking forward to reading more of this story, let me know somehow when the next chapter is up, re-request and I'll come read some more :D
Author's Response: Hey there, thanks for the review! :)
I've always really loved the Black family - they're so fascinating! - so it was an easy decision to have them in this. Yeah, third person past is, I think, the normal way of writing for most people. I just chose present because it's more immediate, which I think works better with the mystery element, but who knows? I also find it easy to write, so I guess that helps!
Ooh, Sirius... yeah, I had to fudge Sirius' age a little bit. I know technically he runs away when he's sixteen, and it's generally accepted that it's after his fifth year, but this is set when he's sixteen, at the beginning of his sixth year. Timeline-wise, he'd probably run away not long after this, if that helps! :)
No, you're not beta-ing, don't worry about it! Con.crit is always welcome! :) Ooh, I'll definitely take another look at that sentence - I found it a bit difficult to write when I first wrote it, but couldn't for the life of me work out what would sound better, lol. Thanks so much for pointing it out!
Thank again for the lovely review! :)