Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:FallenAmaranth says:
Hi! Here with your review!

So I'm going to focus on your characterization and the believability, since that was what you requested :)

So, your characterizations were good, Ron was very calm and loving - I'm used to him being all nervous but I'm sure that, as he matured, and after what he's been through, he would have become more confident. Hermione was as polite and composed as she would usually be, however, the only 'Hermione-ish' comment was the one line thought about looking up some more information about her pregnancy in a library. Perhaps, being smart and intrigued by things which she doesn't know about, she would show interest in the spells the Healer performed. Or perhaps she would question her about anything she wanted to know...just a few more little things, to remind us that Hermione is definitely still Hermione ;)

Believability - I think this is very believable and it all seems realistic enough, although I was a little confused about the spells that the healer was casting - she cast them with her wand, so why would she need to go out of the room to look at what they say? Otherwise, it seems fairly believable save for...

...Emotion and Description. We do not get to see enough of how Ron or Hermione feels about everything that happens. How does Hermione feel in the waiting room without Ron - does she glance surreptitiously at the other patients, or when she's walking down the corridor to room 26 - are the letters on the door glinting with polish, or are they dull and unkempt, or when Ron turns up, what is the effect on her, is she excited? Make the reader feel whatever it is that Hermione is feeling. Put them right there in the room with her.

One other thing I noticed right at the beginning was repetition. In the opening paragraph it was stated that Hermione was only going for a check up and to see how far along she was. One of the first thing the healer says is pretty much exactly the same thing - if there is a lot of repetition of phrases and not enough variation of information then the readers may lose interest. The least it needs is rephrasing, just so the reader isn't reading the same thing twice.

A few grammar tweaks, most of which I mentioned in my previous review, and adding in the advice I gave you in this one, and this chapter should be perfect!

~ Em

Author's Response: Hey, thank you for the review! :)
Thanks for the advice, I'll have a look over the chapters and see what I can tweek but I'm glad you liked it though.
Thanks again for reviewing!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 853
Submit Report: