Hullo there! Its Ac here reviewing for the Improvement challenge. Sorry for keeping you waiting so long - I've been really busy with lots of reviews and things like moving out that tends to put a spanner in the works - but I'm here now to offer you the CC that you asked for :)
Its possibly because the past few I've reviewed have all been quite serious piece, but the second I started reading this I fell in love. Honestly, hairy Seamus. Wonderful. Honestly one of my favourite starts of things I've ever read. I just copied and pasted it to one of my friends. Excellent. All the positive adjectives.
Right so, constructive criticism. I can really see why you've used lots of short sentences at beginning of the chapter but there were a couple of occasions when I felt like the sentence structure could be... well, a bit better? So, for example "And the dishes. Those Damned dishes" would probably work better if they were the same sentence? Mostly though, it's really good, just something to think about in terms of improvement.
One thing, would it not be pretty easy to clean things though? A wave of a wand and clothes would be clean and hair disapeared? I'm sure it takes more work than that - but maybe you could acknowledge the fact that it could easily be cleaned away and have Theo not clean it on up on principle or something? I just got to the second paragraph about the dishes and was like TERGEO! and, yeah.
Some of the lines you have about these bare chested females really cracked me up, by the way. I'm not sure whether that can be classified as subtle, but through Theodore's narration it seemed almost subtle and unobtrusive (unlike the bare chested females).
I love the girls entrance. But, her first bit of speech... "their coffee tastes like flobberworm's dung. I can know" - it should be 'I do know' and then I'd put a dash from that bit about flobberworms' dung being healthy as its part of the same stream of information (ew, by the way; I don't think I'd eat anything's dung regardless of how healthy it was).
Oh dear, this woman is crazy. Honestly. I have absolutely no idea what's she's chatting about. But, Raddish Earings? Luna, then. Hmm, well, I'm not entirely sure whether I thought your characterisation of Luna was absolutely spot on. I've only seen Luna written perfectly about once and the idea that anyone can do it utterly blows my mind, but my issue with this Luna was that she didn't seem dreamy enough. Maybe if you took Luna and then gave her sixteen cups of coffee, but even so... Luna is more unobtrusive in her mannerisms. I think she'd be just as likely to sit in utter silence than to talk about things like witch doctors and the line - you could have a great few moments with Theo feeling oddly uncomfortable whilst Luna just watches him, before launching into more information about the orange snails. There were a few lines that were quintessentially Luna - "We're always running here and there, whole these animals probably travel no farther than 10 mile in their whole lives " (although it should be '10 miles' and I always think in writing numbers should be written in numbers because it seems cleaner so... ten miles. But, you get my point.
Okay, so the main problem I have with this whole piece is the kiss . I really really liked this whole thing - I liked the pairing, I liked the narration from Theodore and Luna's characterisation wasn't quite there but it wasn't bad (she just comes across as being slightly high on caffeine rather than dreamy) and I really felt like that bit let you down slightly. Basically, if I ran into someone I used to know in a cafe (at first I didn't like the fact that Theodore didn't remember her name - then it twigged that they'd have been in different years and houses so I guessed that was probably fair enough) I might very well sit down and start talking about vampire parties and witch doctors, but I do not think I would kiss that person.
And if I was Theodore I'd be like 'what the hell are you doing?!?' - it's just not a normal thing to do to kiss a randomer. I think it's largely a fanfiction thing, because I've seen it an awful lot - but a piece like this, which had so many merits and I really really enjoyed, I felt slightly cheated by it. I think it would have been a better conclusion of things if she'd slipped him a note with her name and address or something and a little write to me note, or maybe even set up a date? Anything but a kiss.
I hope you don't take that the wrong way or anything, I just thought you were way better than falling back on a cliche like that. I really enjoyed this and I'm really glad you entered my challenge. Looking forwards to reading your next challenge piece! :)