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Review:pennyardelle says:
The opening part of this chapter, which I'm assuming was him under the Imperius Curse, was really great! I liked the slightly confused way you wrote it, because it really helped make it feel like I was inside his thoughts.

I kind of wanted to make one syntactical suggestion, just because I noticed it a few times in this chapter, and that's that I felt like it might read a little better if some of your sentences were shortened. As an example, this sentence: "Neither of the boys had noticed him standing there and the bully was too focused on the other boy to hear the crunch of gravel under Alastor's feet until Alastor was next to him and had shoved him." When I read that in my mind, I kind of feel a bit breathless by the end of it, and I think if you chopped it up into 2 or 3 sentences, it would be a little easier to read. It may also just be an issue of commas/half-stops, too (I think you probably need one after "there" and one after "feet"--usually before conjunctions like you have here), because those would provide a similar break in the reading. The words themselves are very good, so that was just one thing that I thought might be improved.

On a different note, I love your characterization! The details about Moody's childhood really seemed to fit, like I could see how they had moulded him into the adult Moody we see in the books. He seems like he would be a tough character to write, so good work! I also really like the personalities you've given to his parents.

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing another chapter!

Yes, you're correct in that it's him under the Imperius curse. I'm glad that you liked the manner in which I wrote it- the slightly detached method with his bouncing thoughts was fun to write.

Thank you for pointing that out- I'll go back and see where I can shorten the sentences or split them in two. Not only would the shorter sentences help it sound better, it would probably also make the story sound more like Moody.

I'm very pleased that you continue to like my characterization! As I said before, I find that Moody can sometimes be difficult to capture (who knows how much paranoia is enough? Is too little?). I'm glad that the details of his childhood fit with the adult we know he became. That's an interesting aspect when you're writing the past of a character we already know because then you have to know enough about them to be able to judge how they would act when they were younger.

Thanks once again for reviewing! I enjoyed reading your thoughts on the chapter!


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