I'm not even sure where to start because the whole thing set me on edge, even the first time through. I was expecting something to happen and his detachment from his emotions gave me shivers. This is the kind of person who'd become a sociopath killer and never feel any guilt or regret.
I could tell that they knew each other, at least, to an extent when I read this the first time. I thought that perhaps it was a best mate of Lysander or something. Someone who had contact with Lorcan enough to know him a bit but also was tainted a bit because their loyalty was to Lysander.
You did a really nice job with the characterization of Lysander. I really wanted to pummel him the whole time for his narcissism and how he looked down on other people. Also though, in this short piece you brought in a lot of interesting characteristics into him. His need for absolute control over himself and his emotions. I expected some sort of disoganized thinking though, or something more sinister to slip into his soul as the story went along but it didn't happen which made the end really shocking and eerie because although i was on edge with his character all throughout, i didn't expect that it would lead to that.
What i thought was really, really interesting is the more i think about it, the more it seems like it was being led up to the moment Lysander found out about Lorcan's love. How he let himself believe that it was just obsession and he seemed to displace perhaps his own obsessions and his own not able to love onto his brother. Which in retrospect makes his actions more believable in the end. I did however feel like this was an outburst, even if he claims earlier that outbursts don't suit him. This is an outburst, he couldn't take his jealousy and although he didn't have fits of rage, his cold, calculating way of killing his brother made that earlier comment seem inconsistent. I think i know why he did it. Maybe he's worried Lorcan's love will mess up his own obsession, his jealousy and his need to be better than Lorcan in everything, including love, made him need to thwart his competition?
It may be because i was just expecting something darker or more haunting but the end didn't have the effect on me like it could have. It was eerie but i'm not sure if this would stick with me and speak to my soul kind of thing (i hope you understand that :p). I'm trying to figure out exactly why and i don't know if I can put it into words because although i enjoyed this piece and it startled me, which may be your only intention, i was waiting for it to chill me. You almost got there and maybe if i saw more motivation or a hint of more backstory i may have been able feel this more. Was this a growing jealousy? Or just a crime of passion (calculated and cold passion but i think that term would still fit here). However, there is an intensity in his act and the story that i very much appreciated and the ambiguousness of it didn't hurt the story for me.
Your descriptions where fine i think. They are shallow here and not as full imagery, but they fit the narrator which is more important. You gave us just enough to know where this was taking place and that's all, but Lysander isn't the kind of person to notice anything but what he's fixated on. You did a great job at showing that though, so lovely work.
Overall though, this was an interesting, eerie piece that I liked reading. This is a well done piece that you should not be too worried about and although maybe it didn't hit me as much as Come, Sugar (which i think you have just learned to wield the genre better), it's still fairly well done. I loved your choice of present tense. I have a soft spot for people who can use present tense well and i think you don't a great job with that and it fit the story so much better than past. Great job WeasleyTwins and thanks for re-requesting! I hope you liked/found the review helpful! :D
Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for reviewing! :)
You know, you're one of my first reviewers on this to figure out that they knew each other - most haven't had the faintest idea - very perceptive on your part!
Thank you! If it's one thing I like that I've done over the years, it's Lysander's characterization in this story. It just sort of flowed onto the page and worked so well.
See, Lysander is just a bunch of contradictions - outbursts don't suit him, but that's exactly what happens; he doesn't think a teenager knows what love is, but he is supposedly experiencing love himself. He is quite the paradox. And yes, that's where I was ultimately leading it to - it was all a setup on my part to bring Lysander over the edge and murder his brother.
I totally understand what you're saying! I would consider editing it, but it's such a dated story (3 years!) in terms of my style, that I'm afraid I would mess up the piece, you know? It's definitely a testament to the progress that I've made as a writer - your reaction is /definitely/ something I will keep in mind as I continue writing!
Thank you so much for your lovely review! I never know how to respond because you're such a lovely reviewer and so honest! (And please, call me Shelby!). Thank you again! I appreciate it so much! :)