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Review:Lady Asphodel says:
Hm, this chapter was better than the last one, I must say.

I can see the development, but again, the story seems to snobbish and a bit kiddish.

You have to bring emotion to this fiction too, otherwise, to readers, it feels like they're reading... everyday stuff... or nothing of importance.

You want to make your readers feel that they need to come back and eager to read more.

Also, what really turns off a reader is seeing so much parentheses. Try to leave those out as much as you can.
I say you only use parentheses once, and that is not even recommended.

Again, not trying to sound harsh.
Just giving you constructive criticism.


Author's Response: thank you again for reviewing :) I'm going to use your advices in the other chapters. I dont want it to be boring maybe i tried a lot to make it fun. Gonna try do it better :)

-Melis :)

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