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Review:pennyardelle says:
Hey! Thanks for being my first requested review in forever. :D I apologize if I'm slightly rusty.

You mentioned in your request that you have trouble with introductions, and I completely sympathize. I agonize over them, and never feel like I'm hitting the right balance of intriguing/informative/intelligible. I think this was overall a solid introductory chapter. I feel like I have a sense of what one of the conflicts of the story is (Amelia having to be Head Girl in a very turbulent time), and also learned some things about her (like her family issues, and that she's in Slytherin).

I thought your writing was strong throughout it, as well. The one thing I might have liked more, actually, is if it was a bit longer. I think it would have given you the chance to flesh out some of the moments with more description, and delve into Amelia's thoughts a bit more. I think you deliberately avoided explaining what her personal allegiances were to leave it on a bit of a cliffhanger, which is fine, but I think it would have been good to hear more of her inner monologue in the section where she's talking to the parents on the train platform.

So, intelligible (in other words, well-written, and I wasn't overwhelmed by information or confused)? Absolutely. Informative? Yes; I felt like I learned enough (but not TOO much, which can be a big problem for some authors) about Amelia and the challenges she's facing. Intriguing? That's where I think a bit of added length and more attention to detail could have really been effective. There were certainly moments where I stopped and thought, "Wow, that's interesting," but I often felt like those moments were passed over too quickly, when they could have been savoured a bit more. :P

I think it's really interesting that your character is a half-blood Slytherin, especially given the era of this story. And I also thought it was neat to see a different part of Hogwarts life when Harry & Co. were there. I never even wondered about who was Head Boy and Girl at this time, which strikes me as a bit odd, now that I've been introduced to the idea. :P It's an interesting premise for a story.

Well, I hope my comments were useful to you in some way! :) If they were, feel free to request for another chapter or story at some point when my slots are open.

Author's Response: You're very welcome, and thank you for offering to review in the first place :)

That's a good point about the length though. I do tend to write shorter chapters than most, especially while I'm working out exactly how much information needs to go into each chapter, but I will probably come back and revise it a bit at some point.

I would be interested to know which points were the ones you thought were interesting and could be developed more. I have Amelia's backstory all worked out, but it's just a case of figuring out where it needs to go.

I never really thought about who the Head Boy and Girl were either until I started planning for the story and realised I could fit Amelia easily into the canon. As for the fact that she's a half-blood Slytherin, I think it is important for the position she's in - it definitely sets her apart from the rest of her house, especially the way they're portrayed in Order of the Phoenix.

Thanks so much for the review, and you'll probably see me requesting again at some point :)


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