yes, this chapter was a marathon, but it wasn't hard to get through. There was enough happening in it to keep it going that it really didn't feel like it was dragging. However, i don't know where to start with this review! There was just so much! :P Be warned, this may be a long review!
I think you started off this chapter really well! I was very engrossed with your description and you way of telling the story. It was quite lovely and I liked how it just seemed like it was taking part in a school. So many put their plot at Hogwarts but forget that school is actually part of it. So it is refreshing to see that as an important part of the story.
Character-wise I think you have some nice things done here. I really enjoyed Remus and i think you played into some of his better traits here. Using his empathy, intuition and cleverness to try and help Lily. The story was particularly clever and i think it's clear to what he's talking about. However, how that part is structured is a worded a bit awkwardly, I think I just tripped over some of the sentences themselves. Which I think may be why people may get a little confused. I did want to see a little more from the story however, maybe how it tore the boy to pieces as that part was sort of glazed over for me. It seemed like the boy dealt with everything like a champ. I suppose I get why you did that, for the sake of the story perhaps he just wanted to let Lily know that you can get through tough situations. I feel like if we felt the anguish the boy felt at that time or continued to feel would have made it more impactful.
I liked the playful arrogance of James here when Lily barged into the room. I like how we see his funny side and we begin to see the man she falls in love with. I imagine that she actually did like his confidence and humour to an extent. That scene however brushed even more on the heads sharing a dorm cliche. I'm trying to ignore it as i know you've said there are reasons behind what you do, but be careful with littering your story with moments like that as, to me, it seems bit of a contrived plot point to create tension between them.
Lily here seemed great, especially at the beginning. I felt like you really showed why Sluggie liked her so much and showed her dedication to excellence. I also thought that her needing to know what James was up to seemed like her too as i don't think she'd be someone to let things go. However, her needing to get drunk to drown her feelings seemed a bit OOC as are we sure that Lily has discovered her feelings for James yet or are you doing this as to show this unconscious attraction she has for him? I can see her drinking perhaps and it would make an interesting characteristic for her, but I’m not sure if she’d turn to it in jealousy. Anyway, i'd be interested to see where this is going with this and how you are going to use it.
I was impressed with Sirius. I'm usually quite critical when it comes to him but i think that you've done a good job with him, even if we haven't seen a lot of him at this point. I'm still interested in what part he play's with Lily on that night her parents died as you hinted that 'people lie' in your response to me on my first review. The answer to that has been tantalizing me as i continue to read! The only advice i could give you with him is to be careful with him and Belle. Give them time to grow and give her a character that is full of weaknesses and strengths like a real person. Too many authors fall into the trap of giving Sirius a pretty lady and nothing more. But think, who would Sirius actually fall for? Maybe someone who can match his wit, but remember that he is a damaged and dark man as well. This may play into the kind of woman he falls for. Anyway, i'm interested in seeing where they go and how you continue to write them!
The party itself seemed a little odd, the blonde kissing James, McGonagall approving the party and so forth. I think it started with McGongall approving it and giving him the captainship. It felt a bit uncanon to give that as term is in session (same as the heads from what I gathered, they had no idea they were heads until the Feast, that struck me as odd that they’d get no forewarning or no time to prepare for the position, plus it shows in the books that the prefects get their badge during summer and so did Harry get the captainship then I believe). That made me disbelief her giving permission for it as it seemed to be forced.
Also, during the party itself with James, maybe he was a bit drunk, but would it have taken that much time for him to push her off that she was able to keep her mouth on his neck long enough to give him a very visible love bite?
About your question with the flashback, yes, I think the smell is a very strong sense and can bring back incredibly powerful and potent memories. I’m also glad you brought back Petunia because I felt like she had gotten forgotten and since she was such an important part to her grief I hope she doesn t remain forgotten.
I like the name of the prospects and I'm not sure if I really understood all they were talking about so it made it harder to understand why they were being so strongly opinionated however I was definitely interested in them. Overall, I think that you have an interesting concept here and I like how Remus was being sneaky, even with Lily in tow. I like how it shows his mischievous side as well as we rarely see that side of him in many Marauder stories. About your question about Bella, I wouldn't say you made it incredibly clear that it was really odd and strange that she made it in, maybe it was because Remus didn't seem very shook up by it all. His actions speak louder than his words.
Great chapter though, i'm curious to know where how this transfer student is going to play out and what's your motivation to bring them in. It seems like you're taking cliches and trying to work them into plot to prove that they can be used! Great job! :D
Author's Response: Zayne you have no idea HOW badly I want to answer the questions you've pointed out in this! Or answer your points of CC, I suppose. Belle! You'll love her, or you'll at least love what kind of person she is for Sirius. She's probably too blunt to be lovable, but I promise that she has a lot of very important back story that slowly comes out that will make it clear why Sirius is drawn to her. I can also tell you that you get a bit of that in Chapter 7 :)! Lily drinking, I actually didn't mean for it to really relate to James at all, more of the fact that she's been trying to forget everything and stay busy, and that just threw her off enough to have her fragile emotional state crumpling. You'll see her explain that more for herself in chapter... 6 :).
Actually I thought the same thing about not being clear enough when I went back to edit your lovely suggestions for chapter 3, so now that includes Dumbledore explaining to them why he waiting until term to tell them, which was also Mcgonagalls reason for waiting to present him with captain. But it's no secret, it was just because he wanted to see them for himself before he decided if they could handle it after the summer they had. If you want to read that put into better words, it's in chapter 3 which is now validated :).
I like the idea you've pointed out for Remus, I think I'll definitely go back through and work on that a bit. And see if I can spot the oddly worried sentences!
The party with James and the blonde, again I know it feels incomplete, but it'll make more sense in chapter 6 ;). I told you that I wanted to answer your questions! Haha! Also, can you remember any blondes (besides Belle) you make have briefly met? (cough cough).
Don't worry, you weren't supposed to understand the prospects just yet. You'll find out more in the next chapter, but it will still be very rocky.
Thank you so much for this awesome review, you've given me a lot of good things to think about as well as showing me that the points of curiously I'm trying to install are working :).
Also, just added chapter 8: No More Secrets, into the queue, which is Sirius's tell all chapter. :D!
Thanks again so much for your support, it's so wonderful to find a reviewer that really pays attention and *reads* the chapter/story. I have already stalked out your review thread for chapter 5.. if I turn into a bother let me know! ♥