Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
I love Snily.. and this was so beautiful! I think you grasped their crumbling relationship and Severus' life with such a certain sense of poise and emotion that it made this so beautiful!
You asked about flow. Honestly I don't think you have anything to worry about; the style of the story makes the abrupt transitions work. Yes, they are abrupt, but it tells a story and they all fit together in a lovely fashion as I read through.
I think you did a great job capturing Severus, and I thought Lily's characterization was very original and interesting. I'll talk a little bit below about the maturity, but I think you gave her an edge, and she was definitely... cool. She countered him, she stood up for herself, She was the strong Lily Evans that we love, but original at the same time. I liked how you slowly shattered things for them. I love the ship but it's always got that looming star-crossed doom and you worked that in very well.
As I said above, the only critical thing I could really find would be that Severus and Lily, they feel mature. And, I do think the style of the story makes it work better than normal, but there is still a sense that they are behaving well upon their age in their actions together for the first half. It's mostly the before "Snape's Worst Memory" incident that my concerns sit; If that pin-points it better. like I said though, the setup - reliving little blurs in Severus' life - gives it balance. I noticed a few missing words, but I don't think it's anything another read-through or a beta couldn't catch. By no means was it distracting from the flow.
Her smile is crooked, reminding him of the man he lost her to.
Regret's smart like that. -my heart broke at this point. Out of all of the imagery, everything I think this stood out the most to me in the change that Severus saw go through her.
Your imagery is so spectacular. I love your metaphors and the way you describe things within the little moments is so fitting to paint the picture for the reader's mind.
I wish I could be more helpful! Seriously, this was such an enjoyable read, and I really don't think you have anything to worry about with the flow. It works; with this story, it works. Fantastic job with this! You really captured the ship so gracefully and reminded me why I love it.
Author's Response: Hi there!
I'm really pleased you liked this one! I've been a bit concerned with it, but you totally put my mind at ease! I've always had trouble writing from a child's POV and I think that was probably what shone through here. I mean, my imagery is just a bit too mature to fit into small kids' mindsets. I don't exactly know what to do about it, though, and I somewhat feel that it still reflects the two of them. But yeah, I guess I can see your point. They're very mature. I actually never gave it a thought before now, so I might have to be more aware of this when writing children's thoughts. At the same time, though, I know I thought and spoke like this when I was younger, so I guess it depends on people? No. I don't know. I definitely see your point, though!
I'm so happy you liked this. Thank you so much for reviewing, this was a great help!