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Review:writeyourheartout says:
Hello Mike! I'm here with your first review from the HPPC Challenge that took place beyond forever ago! (Sorry!) Since it's been such a long time coming, I won't stall with getting to the actual reviewing part! ^.^

First off, I think this story has a lot of potential. The idea behind it is intriguing; the way this first chapter shows restraint by not telling us the specific details about Teddy's choice to go back in time, simply generalizing that it has something to do with his dad, makes me want to know what exactly it is he's trying to figure out and potentially alter. However, while the big picture is good, there are a lot of small details that I feel aren't doing you any favors. Let's start from the top!

One of the biggest things that sticks out to me is how rushed I feel this chapter is. I would say, that for the most part, you're a minimalist writer. Sometimes that's a brilliant technique, but I feel like you skipped over too many small moments that would have sincerely helped the flow of the story. It becomes too choppy and too scarce, so I'd suggest trying to find a balance between the two worlds. Use details to make sure there are no holes in your writing and use minimalism during moments you want to land poignantly. I would especially consider reworking the opening paragraph. I mean, how did Teddy sneak into the Ministry? And how did he do it with so few obstacles? Why wasn't there any sort of security blocking such potentially dangerous and valuable items? I feel like I need more explanation to accept that Teddy simply snuck into the Ministry of Magic (which I would assume has only tightened in security, considering the fact that it was once infiltrated by death eaters) and walked out with stolen items no questions asked. See what I mean? Details, friend! ^.^

Something else I notice that you do a lot of is repeat the same word or phrase within close proximity of each other so that it sounds repetitive and clutters your writing. Examples:

"He wanted to go back in time (while) in the forbidden forest, where he wouldn't be seen by anyone, but had a very high chance of being attacked by something as soon as he warped back in time." - 'back in time'

"The wolf bounded past him, causing Teddy to... The wolf growled into his face and Teddy whimpered in fear. The wolf lunged, pinning Teddy to the tree." - Every sentence started with 'The wolf'. The paragraph also ends with those words and the paragraph that precedes this one also starts with 'The wolf' and repeats a few times.

"He wasn't sure how much the forest has changed over the years(,) but he was sure it couldn't be too much." - You change tenses here: 'has' should be 'had'. Also, I would change the second 'much' to 'different' so it doesn't repeat.

"He started to run, running into the forest to get to a certain depth inside." - 'run' followed by 'running' is repetitive and doesn't flow well. Also, this whole sentence reads pretty wonky. This is a perfect example of rushing through small moments where you could add little details for realism. Maybe rephrase and extend it into something more like this: "He sped his walk into a light jog as the horizon of trees came into view, hoping he wouldn't attract unwanted attention with his brisk new pace. When he reached the forests edge, however, he didn't hesitate to dig his heels into the solid ground and jump into an all out sprint, anticipation fueling his every step; the pain in his constricted chest practically non-existent as he thought only of how close he now was... He continued to race deeper into the woods, knowing just what was at stake for him if he was seen; refusing to slow until he knew he was hidden away completely from prying eyes." - Big difference, right? I'm not saying that every single moment needs to be elaborately decorated, though; it's all about finding the balance: giving us enough without giving us too much. I hope that makes sense!

You say the word forest more often than it's needed. We know where Teddy is going after the first time, so there's no need to repeat yourself so often in such a small space. Trust that your audience can follow your writing without spelling it out for them.

Done with the repeating examples! Now for some random notes:

"He snuck down into the ministry in the dead of night" - I'd consider removing the word 'down' - it doesn't flow right. Also, Ministry should be capitalized.

"The pages crinkled as he flipped to the exact page where the entries all end." - Should be 'ended.' The wording at the end is a little funky, I would remove the word 'all' - it feels unnecessary. This paragraph has some lovely descriptions, however. ^.^

"March 22st" - Should be 22nd

"He had always written(,) but then he had apparently lost his drive to do anything." - Not sure why 'lost' is italicized.

"Once he felt he was sufficiently hidden in the forest he pulled the time turner out. He took a deep breath before he turned it enough times to go back to the year of 1970. He closed his eyes and when he opened them he couldn't tell if it worked." - Michael! This should be a huge moment! This is what everything before this moment has essentially been leading to! Why is there no excitement? LOL Where's his anticipation? His nerves? His hesitation? This moment, like the opening one, needs more.

"Each snap of the wolf's sounded louder and louder, as if a thunderstorm were approaching." - Not sure why 'wolf' is pluralized, unless you meant to say something like 'Each snap of the wolf's monstrous jaw sounded louder and louder...' or something. Or maybe 'Each biting snap the wolf made seemed to grow louder and louder.'

So it doesn't look like you have a beta for this. It's something I would maybe consider; someone who's good with small details and being nit-picky, because you have the vision and the ideas and the plot, but the little bits and pieces are what's holding this back. I hope this review has been helpful!

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