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Review:academica says:
Hey! I'm sorry if this review took a little longer than expected. Nevertheless, here I am back again!

Okay, so I really like that Draco stood up for Amelia! I think you executed it in a way that made sense with the way he's known to act - rashly. I also like how his behavior made Amelia feel a little awkward and fueled some feelings between them. It's nice that Narcissa continues to impact the growth of their relationship even after death.

One technical aspect that you might want to work on is your use of passive voice. Generally, writers try to use active voice whenever possible, unless passive voice is necessary for a stylistic reason. For example, I think this sentence:

He heard a gentle click of the handle which allowed him knowledge that whoever had been knocking had now entered despite his quiet demeanor.

...would flow better if you wrote it like this:

He heard the gentle click of the handle and knew that someone had decided to enter the room despite his efforts to remain quiet.

There, Draco is the actor, not the door handle :)

Another technical thing that I noticed is that you often end sentences with a comma when you should use a period, and vice versa. Not all dialogue tags require a comma, just those with "speaking" words preceding them. If you say something like "he walked across the room" before beginning a line of dialogue, that can probably end with a period. There's a great tutorial for this topic on the forums in the Writer's Resources section. You've also got a few problems with capitalization related to dialogue that the tutorial should address.

You may want to consider looking into a beta for this story (if you have one, I apologize, but I can't remember if I saw a credit in the summary). Someone like that can help you iron out the awkward phrasing and technical mistakes that I've been noticing and pointing out in this review.

I wasn't sure about the dialogue here. Some of it seems a little halted; Draco seemed to speak very formally to Amelia out loud, but then he sounded a bit more realistic and youthful in his thoughts. I also thought that Mr. Lamport seemed to jump fairly quickly to wanting to fire Amelia. Sometimes just "people watching" in real life and listening to how you talk to your friends can help with writing realistic dialogue. (There might be a tutorial, too.)

I did like the ending, though. Sure, it's a bit sappy, but it seems much more realistic than the two of them just jumping headfirst into a relationship. I like that you're trying to keep the pace slow here.

This review feels very critique-heavy, and I want you to know that I still like the story's concept and look forward to seeing where you take it next. I hope this is helpful, and feel free to re-request :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Okay...so I have taken a LONG time to respond to this review.

I am glad that you liked the tension/feelings that come up between them. I wanted to show them in a subtle way where you have that awkwardness, yet it is still apparent.

That is a great point about the passive voice. It totally makes sense to me now that you pointed it out. The nice thing about being a writer is that you can only improve. So I greatly appreciate it.

Punctuation is always been something that I have struggled with. I am going to make sure that my Beta knows that I need that assistance in that area. I will also look up the tutorials on the forums. I don't want to fully depend on a Beta to correct everything I also want to learn where and how I can correct my own works in progress.

I think that what I am trying to portray is Draco holding up a front while Amelia is around. He sort of only feels comfortable being himself to himself at the moment. I hope that makes sense. Mr. Lamport is a unreasonable man. I will look for a tutorial on that though. You bring out a lot of great points that I seem to over look a lot and I appreciate the honesty.

When I set out to write this I always told myself, real relationships move slowly and I need to do the same with them. I am glad that you still like the story's concept. I am working on the next chapter and taking my time making sure that I feel it fits before I post it.

Thanks again for taking the time to review this chapter for me! :)

-SR17


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