Hey it's Ali with your review!
So far, I think this story has a lot of potential! I definitely liked how you started out the chapter with James and Sirius just sitting in a bar complaining. It was blunt, but effective. Speaking of James and Sirius, the way that you introduced their friendship and described it through dialogue and interaction wiht Remus was very well done. I think you captured the Marauder-esque personalities but with a slightly more mature tone than we saw in OotP.
About their location, why the Hog's Head? I understand that it's partially because Aberforth owns it and so it would make a good Order-members hang out, but I feel as if they would more likely be at the Leaky Cauldron or a Muggle bar. This is simply because Hogsmeade is extremely far away from everything (demonstrated by the day-long train ride to get to Hogwarts from London) and it's a litte public for Moody to just be waltzing in and giving out Order/ Auror missions. I'd love to hear your take on it :)
I believe it was at the beginning, but there was one line in which you mentioned Dumbledore's "greying beard" and it was something I really liked. It's perfectly plausible that Dumbledore hadn't gone completely white yet and I liked the minor deviation from what everyone else writes. It wasn't this huge deal, but I just thought I'd let you know.
When Sirius and James entered the Prime Minister's hose (which, by the way, was it 10 Downing Street?) it seemed as if there was a lack of security. If the Prime Minister and his family needed to be protected by Aurors, then why wasn't there anyone checking their wands or at least some Muggles with metal detectors? The butler also didn't ask their names, which I found odd (although, come to think of it, he might have been Confunded). It just didn't mesh with the idea that James and Sirius were there to protect someone if there wasn't any security. Right?
The story is definitely intriguing because I find myself wanting to know how you're going to make it acceptable to the reader (and the characters) that Sirius and Maia become a couple (which, as this is a Sirius/OC story, I'm assuming is going to happen, but correct me if I'm wrong). However, don't get too wrapped up in romantic drama and forget to embrace the potential action scenes that come with the Order of the Phoenix and Aurors during the first wizarding war. I think the potential of that makes this chapter better, though, too.
In way of characterization, Maia feels a bit extreme. I liked the part of her that says she's a spoiled and snotty girl because that's always interesting to read (and fun to write). I also like that there was the underlying feeling in Maia that she really just doesn't like being treated as a child and that's partly why she's so terrible and against protection (which I've inferred from the line where she asks Sirius why everyone always treats her like a child). However, when she jumped on Sirius I just sort of took a step back. Jumping and then sitting on a perfect stranger just because you're angry doesn't really seem like the natural thing to do. The fact that she's spoiled and rude doesn't really add up to "will jump on you if you piss me off." You know what I mean?
You did very well with Sirius's character, though. He had just the right amount of cheekiness, rashness, boldness, and (like James said) recklessness (by the way, I liked how you mentioned the mini-prologue that JKR wrote about the police cars and James and Sirius). Then I also got the sense that he is very loyal and that the memory of his family and anyone like them still causes him to be upset and feel hatred. And these are all things that make up the Sirius we know in the HP books, just a bit less mature and a lot younger. I also liked that you balanced out his emotions with James being mature and calming him down.
Nice job so far! It's been a pleasure review; feel free to re-request when you update.
classicblack from the forums
Author's Response: Hello there!
It's so fun writing the Marauders! I think there's just so much depth to them and there are just so many layers to write about! Especially in this war time era so I'm glad you liked that part :)
Well, I made the Hog's Head the headquarters of the Order, like Grimmauld was in OotP basically because in my mind it was big enough, convenient enough (with drinks for the meetings) and it's central to the wizarding world, in my opinion. They can apparate there so I didn't think distance was a problem.
I didn't think about the Prime Minister's house that much, to be honest. I'm not from England so I didn't know there was an actual address that they lived at :$ I thought they just lived wherever they wanted to. I think I should change that up though, so I can try incorporating 10 Downing Street into it :) The reason why there wasn't as much protection was because Dumbledore was there, and with Dumbledore there nothing ever goes wrong (in my opinion :P)
About the characters, Maia has a background (which will be explained further along in the story) that, I guess, justifies why she is the way she is. I thought that her lashing out just shows that she's extremely unbalanced at that moment.
I'm really glad you like the way I've portrayed Sirius and James! I really had to stop and think a lot about they would say, how they would act because I've written a lot of Marauders in Hogwarts stories and it's very different to how they would be during the War (in my opinion). But it was still very fun :D
Thank you SO much for taking the time to leave such a long review. I had fun reading it :P