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Review:Elphaba and Boyfriends says:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

I first read your story a couple of days ago, but just took notes because I didn't have time to review it right away. It looks like it's been updated since then. You seem to have read my mind, because of a couple of the changes I was going to suggest have already been made. :)

The main impression I get from this story is that Florence has done some great wrong, and now wants desperately to atone for it. I can't help wondering if it involves the two girls mentioned playing near the beginning. I wonder whether this is her and a sister? That's what my own imagination points to, anyway. :)

The story flows very nicely, and the borrowed sentence and quote are seamlessly worked in. You've included a ton of lovely imagery that involves sight (red lips), hearing (the shuffle of her feet), feeling (splinters in her hand) and even smell (musky air).

There is one minor thing I noticed. In paragraph four, I wonder if the word "exonerated" should be changed to "exalted"? It just seems like it would fit better within in the context of the paragraph.

Despite not having a back story for the character, I do find her interesting. This sentence is especially intriguing: "She should have known when it, for that is what it was to her now, told her to trek through the cold winters of Russia that it would lead to this." This makes me wonder who "it" is? Voldemort?

Another passage: "She got what she was promised; she just hadn't realised it would be like this," also made me think of involvement with Voldemort and the Death Eaters.

The red-lipped stranger is equally intriguing. Who is she, and what role does she play in Florence's life?

I do wish that there were a little more information about what has brought her here, and what it is she hopes to accomplish. I don't think a lot is needed, maybe just a couple of tidbits. :)

The "metal mask" mentioned at the end makes me think that she's been caught by a Death Eater and either killed (deliverance) or taken to the same prison where her sister (if it is her sister) is being held. I also wonder whether the references to reflections imply that she's the one who's imprisoned (that would support the death method of deliverance, I think). I could be totally off, but that's what my brain comes up with. :)

I didn't get the canon connection until I read the author's note. I do wish there were a tiny bit more detail about her identity in this story, just so I wouldn't have had to read the note to get the connection.

Despite the mysteries, I am intrigued by the character enough to want to check out the other stories about her. The fact that this one is well-written definitely helps. :)

Author's Response: Hi Elphaba (love the name, Wicked!!)

Yes, i'm a habitual editer and i'm really glad that some of the edits that were made by me or my lovely beta were able to fix some of the problems you saw!

Yes, she is trying to atone for some guilt so you've got that right! It also has something to do with the girl by the sea who is indeed her sister and although i didn't mean for it to be exactly like you have written here i'm all up for reader interpretation i suppose. :P

You picked up on some really key lines though and i'm really glad you did. I found that while writing this i'd have just a sentence or phrase that hinted to the backstory. Which is probably why this can be confusing as there isn't a giant hint to who any of these characters are.

The involvement of Voldemort and the DE's are actually less than you probably suppose and unfortunately, i didn't make that clear enough. They play a part, but not in her motivation to be there other than they killed her sister. I'll have to make that bit clearer i think.

The red-lipped stranger plays a fairly vital role to Florence's guilt. not her pain, but her guilt.

Anyway, it seems like I may need to go back and change a few things here and there to make the outcome a bit clearer. I do like when readers come up with their own interpretation of a story to an extent but i feel like this is too floaty and ambiguous that all the connections couldn't be made.

I know what you mean with trying to make her seem more canon in the text, but that's the only moment that we know her from and that moment is hard to bring into a piece like this, but i will certainly try to integrate it ;D

Thank you so much for your critique and your words! I'm pleased that it intrigued you!! That is definitely a huge compliment to me! Thanks again, i really appreciate you stopping by!!

-zayne


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