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Review:Hippothestrowl says:
Nice attempt but hugely disjointed content and the massive gaps and separators are weird. No stories are ever written this way. Kill the gaps and use discrete scene separators. Then merge some relevant scenes and enlarge them. A single paragraph per page totally destroys the flow. Search for English grammar tutorials and see how dialogue should be done (or look in any novel!)

The actual story and writing has potential - just needs reforming so it's more readable.

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