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Review:classicblack says:
Hey, it's Ali with your review!

So this was one of the most interesting stories I've ever read. It was quite... intense.

I think the strongest point of this story was the imagery. Especially in your description of the church. How you portrayed the ruined church and Florence curled up at the altar- truly amazing. Speaking of the church, I loved how you showed how some people can lose faith that they've always hung on to so easily. The constant use of the words "Shuffle. Shuffle. Shuffle." was really powerful in showing how Florence was weak and had given up.

The one-shot flowed as best it could given the fact that information was slowly and not very explicitly revealed. The story felt only a bit disconnected because the same information was repeated and then another fact would be thrown in.

I liked the italics in the story. They showed how much Florence had lost and how much she wished that she could do everything over again.

The backstory was perhaps a little too sparse to know exactly why Florence was despressed, although the imagery did allow me to feel sorry for her and connect to what she was going through. My understanding is that she got involved with someone that tricked her (the red-lipped woman) which resulted in the death of someone Florence loved (my guess is her sister because they are described as being similar in looks). Other than that I feel as if the justification of why Florence was the ball of misery she was was okay. I feel as if a few more details about why she did feel that way would have improved the relation to the main character greatly. Although, I definitely understand that you don't want to give too much away as you're going to write a story showing exactly what brought her to this point.

Because you mentioned masks, I'm assuming that Florence was captured and killed by Death Eaters in the end. I assumed this especially because I think you mentioned once that she was trying to bring Voldemort down. I think just a tiny bit more emphasis on the fact that she had been battling Voldemort would have made the ending clearer. That it to say, only if I'm right about the Death Eaters.

A few typos:
1) "It felt realer now knowing that she was here..." It should be "more real." "Realer" isn't a word ;)
2) "She couldnít see passed her own ache..." It should be "past" instead of "passed."
3) "For light on earth can only last so long before it are sucked into the black holes." "It is" instead of "it are" would be correct because it is referring to "light," which is singular.
4) "Destroying the perfect glass reflection so that only shards and ripples remaining in its wake." "Remaining" should be change to "remained."

Really though, overall I felt like there was a really strong pull from Florence to the reader. There was a connection made. Nice job!
Happy writing,
classicblack from the forums

Author's Response: Hey Ali!

Thank you so much for all your words and thoughts on this piece! I really appreciate it a lot!

The imagery was probably the best bit to write and I really enjoyed writing this piece simply because of that. I'm pleased though that you felt like it was good and that it was able to get the point across and make you feel something.

I've been worried about the backstory and that it won't come off clearly enough for the reader to understand as there is just so much imagery and so much just floaty language. It was hard because at the same time, Florence isn't all mentally there in that she's just so weak and tired and I feel like her thoughts would be disjointed and confused at times. So it's hard to bring the balance with trying to show that and also making her motivations for how she's come to this point clear enough to be deciphered by the reader.

But thank you so much for your review and giving me your thoughts! I really appreciate it so much because now i know where i need to work with on this! Thanks again!

-zayne


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