From the outset, I loved your portrayal of Moody. Everything about him is so structured, so methodical, so calculating and analytical. He assesses every dimension of his situation, considers every bit of evidence -- right down to the weather -- and draws conclusions. And all of this is before he's even sure that he's being attacked!
Your description of the action in this chapter was gripping, even though you built it all up fairly slowly. Part of that, I think, is that we know how it's supposed to end. But you also did a great job of pacing the delivery of information. We learn new things as Moody learns new things and you take us through the thought process that leads to each discovery.
The way you described his house and his progress through it made it very easy to visualize in my mind. His methodical approach to moving through the space and stalking the intruder added to both the suspense and the sense of being there. You worked in so many little details, like the layout of the rooms, the way he organizes his furniture, right down to the way he secures his cutlery. It was brilliantly obsessive.
In terms of constructive criticism, I did think that some of your descriptions of the layout of the house felt contradictory. For instance, the way you described the rooms "flowing smoothly from one to the next" made me think of a very open floorplan, whereas you go on to clarify that each room actually only has one doorway. I'm not sure what you had in mind when you said that the house was "one continuous path", because to me that also suggests more of an open floorplan.
The idea of -- hmmnn, what would you call it? A "darkness grenade"? Anyway, whatever it was, it was cleverly done. A very plausible explanation for how Crouch, Jr. and Wormtail managed to get a jump on the legendary Auror.
So I'm curious to see where you're taking this. You've already shown Moody with a tremendous capacity to think, analyze and, well, obsess. I think I can see a lot of obsessing in his future...
Author's Response: Hello and thanks so much for taking the time to read and review this story- it's what occupied my time this week so that I haven't had a chance to update "Wilted Flowers". I plan to do so very soon, however!
I'm so glad that you liked my portrayl of Moody- I was afraid that I wouldn't make him paranoid or strategic enough to fit the person we know from canon. However, his analysis of the scene did provide me with opportunities to describe everything, which I don't find as difficult to do. :)
As well, I'm very glad that you liked how I wrote the action. I find it difficult to strike the right balance between writing it condensely enough that it moves along quickly while also including enough description. This one was easier to write than most for me because it was mainly suspense as it built up to the actual attack... Which only lasted for a few minutes at most.
Thanks for those points about the layout of the house. It's one of those times where it would definitely just be easier to draw everything out (even though I'm not a very talented drawer). Lets see if I can explain it better now: what I meant was that each room connects only to the one before it and the one after it- a continuous path. I'll definitely go back and try to reword that section to make it clearer.
I'm glad that you liked the "darkness grenade"- it was the best situation I could come up with to explain how they were able to best Moody. The content of the darkness grenade is Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder- after all, Fred and George didn't make it, only imported it.
Haha- I'm glad to see that you're interested in this story. And the next chapter of the story goes not into the future, but into the past. :) Thanks once again for reviewing! I really appreciate it.