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Review:SilentConfession says:
Hi manno! I'm here for your review :D

I wouldn't be worried about the change to be disappointing at all! It did take me a couple minutes to get orientated to it but i honestly like how you've done it. It's really neat because it's a story being written within another and i've always liked stories that do that. It also gives you a little leeway with the other chapters that will focus on the Peverall brothers as now we know that it's a story being written by someone else. To an extent anyway it will allow you to get away with more. Another thing i find really neat with this idea is that the stories are going to parallel each other to an extent as we now know that the story is based off a real life one. So it'll be giving a lot of background information to what happened to Alphard and Jenny and Scorpius through the eyes of Ignotius.

I like Val, she's interesting and quirky and the whole tone you write her in is really unique and different. It makes me really connect to this chapter and these characters, probably more than i did with the characters in the first. I don't think she rambled too much, it was kind of sweet and funny how she'd start thinking about bubbles and tea scalding etc.

There were times that her rambling got a little confusing and hard to understand like this for example:

If I'm not used to burning myself with tea –I have the attention span of a two-months-old infant, even a fish is more attentive– I probably would've been crying by now.

I understand what you were trying to say but I feel like it got a little convoluted. There were some other instances of this throughout which were a little distracting. Mostly just sentence structure kind of things and nothing that a couple extra comma's or a beta wouldn't be able to help you out with :D But yeah, those are the things that stopped the flow of this from being perfect.

I'm interested in Alphard, a twin of Scorpius who doesn't have magic. I think that's an interesting dynamic but i hope you explore it further so as to explain it more. It can make sense in my head because if there is a lot of pureblood intermarriages, i think that things just get screwed up in the genetics and makes squibs more likely to happen. Is this your reasoning? whatever it is, i'd love to see it in the story itself. Also, how did Draco take having a squib son? This is very interesting to me how that all played out and i think you've introduced a of questions here to make me really interested in the outcome of this story.

Description wise, I'll repeat what Alphard said ;) is that there does need to be a bit more description here. Generally i think you did a descent job but i think that a bit more would help balance your story out. For example, Astoria was quite present at the beginning of the story, but then as the dialogue continued between Val ad Alphard she sort of faded out. How i try to do it in my work is that i pretend that i'm sitting with my characters and as they're talking i'm looking around and noticing what's happening in the surroundings. Obviously not all that you notice needs to be brought in but it does help give a bigger view of what's happening in your story. I hope that makes sense and i'm not just talking jibberish. :P

I hope you found this review helpful to you and overall, i really enjoyed this chapter and thought you brought in a lot of interesting questions in my mind that would make me want to continue reading this. Good job and feel free to rerequest if you liked this review ;D

Author's Response: Hey there! Thank you for coming back with yet another marvellously helpful review; it really means a lot to me.

I'm quite happy that this chapter hasn't made the story seem less interesting. I really had considered cutting out this whole Valeria-Alphard part and secluding it in an individual novel, so you have no idea how relieved I am to know that it hasn't been disappointing. And having you guys see a portion of what happened with Alphard, Scorpius, and Jenny through Ignotus's (and a few other people's) eyes is exactly what I am aiming for, even if it'll be mixed up with a bit of fiction created by Val.

I'm glad you mentioned the adjective quirky when it comes to Val; she is, after all, Luna's daughter. She must have some quirkiness in her blood. I'm also glad that you find her interesting as she's my representative in the fictional world. When I have her rant about the problems I'm facing with the stories of the Peverells, she and Alphard help me find solutions.

And I'll try to work my around those unnecessary sentence and straighten them out. :)

As much I wish I could include everything about Alphard's life in this story, I know that I can't. Things like Draco's reaction to having a squib for a son is something that's happened in Alpahrd's past, one that Valeria wasn't there for and will mostly make up. Nonetheless, the issue will be touched further on in the story.

And your advice regrading description seems to be very helpful! I sort of get what you're trying to say and I'll try to apply it. You are definitely right about Astoria disappearing all of a sudden in the kitchen.

Thank you so much for this review and I surely will request once the next chapter is ready and up.

-Manno



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