Hi there! I am finally here with your review! I am sorry that I am on a late schedule with getting these to you, but that is life right now. Hopefully next month will make it easier to be faster. Anyways...onto the review!
I really liked the way that you portrayed James and Sirius when we first meet them at the Gryffindor table. One thing that I thought that I would mention is that when Sirius is describing on how his mother is going to kill him, he is all doom and gloom. I think maybe if you add in a smirk of happiness on Sirius's end it would make it work better. I guess what I am trying to say is that Sirius was suppose to be happy that he made it into Gryffindor rather than in Slytherin even though I really do believe that he fears his mother, I think that if you put a smirk on him while he is contemplating what she is going to think you would be playing more into Sirius's rebel side. I hope this makes sense. If not PM me. I really liked how they were both involved with the cream and starting a food fight. I could totally imagine that in my mind. I also thought you did a great job with Sirius when Professor McGonagall comes over. Sirius and innocent are just an oxymoron in the same sentence. ;) I also really like Frank. I like that he is older and a Prefect. I like how he just has this dignified feel to him, but he's relaxed too. Especially when he has to tell off four rowdy boys who are having a pillow fight instead of sleeping.
The war issue...this I thought was the perfect time for you to bring it up since it is going to become such a stronger element to the story as it goes on. The way that you mention it and the slight amount that comes through really puts it in the readers mind as a sense of foreboading. I don't think that this is too soon at all. I think you have to use the war's rumor's at this point to really drive towards how it will come into play later on as the story progresses.
Yes, I can honestly say that Remus getting lost is something that I can see happening. Why? Because Remus would be the one who would hide if he thought he saw some one he knew that knew his secret. I cannot blame him for feeling that way. I would feel the same way. I thought Peeves was hilarious. Especially when Remus was confused as to why the ghost could grab the carpet. Hahahahahaha! =) I felt bad for him though because Peeves can be brutal.
Dumbledore felt, acted and naturally felt like Dumbledore. He's wise, he gives you that feeling like you are being x-rayed without you even having to clearly mention it, and him talking about the music box just screams Dumbledore. I think you did an amazing job capturing his mannerisms and his excentricness.
What Remus saw in the mirror was very believable. I mean the poor kid only wanted to have friends and here he is looking in the mirror with them surrounding him. I think that this is one of the things that I would imagine him seeing. The other would possibly be him not being a werewolf. But like Dumbledore says that it is just a small percent of who Remus actually is.
You just have such a great hold on Remus and really know your subject as you write. This is what makes this story so awesome.
I did see a couple of confusing sentences and I don't know if it is an Irish thing or me just being stupid, but I thought as I always do, that I would point them out.
"You must say a password to enter however, and this week's is porcupine quill, I believe."
This sentence is confusing because of the week's is... you could always change that part to read "and this week is..."
"Then a thought occurred to him, a thought that once it entered his head had to voiced."
This sentence I had to read a couple of times before I realized that I am stumbling because of the wording. This is how I would see the sentence... "Then a thought occurred to him, a thought that once it entered his head he had to voice it."
"His eyes widened and he felt the colour in his face drained away."
When I read this sentence aloud it sounded odd with drained being in the sentence. Were you going for drain instead?
I love this story and I cannot wait to read about what will happen next! Keep up the awesome writing!!! Remember if you need any help at all I am always here for you! =)
Author's Response: Hi there, don't worry at all, you're grand. Your reviews are worth waiting for completely. I don't mind at all.
Cheers for the tip with regard to Sirius, and you're completely right! I didn't think of that, but now that you've said it, it makes complete sense, you've got it spot on there, and I'm going to go and re-write that little bit at the weekend, and fix it so it's not all doom and gloom because you're right, he is happy to be in Gryffindor! :-) Aside from that, I'm glad you liked James and Sirius, again, I just found them a bit difficult, so I'm glad you liked them. Also glad you liked Frank. I figured he had to be a good few years ahead of the Marauders in school, because he had to complete all the Auror training and become very popular with the wizarding community (as I think Dumbledore remarks), so I just felt that he and Alice had to be older than the Marauders, you know? I also just liked the idea of him being some one they could look up to almost, in a way that Harry and Ron could never look up to Percy.
I'm glad you liked the war issue, because it's going to feature at bit in coming chapters. Nothing has happened yet, it's more just whispers and rumours and odd events / disappearances in the papers and things. I just want to build the idea that there is a threat out there, that these kids are aware of, but also protected from, if that makes sense, so it doesn't effect them too much, until some massive, big event happens, much later on, won't say any more on that though!
I'm glad you liked Remus getting lost. It just seemed to fit, and it just added this dimension to him hiding his secret from people and his fear of exposure (which will feature throughout, until the Marauders figure out what he is). I'm glad you liked Peeves. I had a lot of fun writing him, and James will get him back for Remus too, so he will be resurfacing again very soon!
It's such a relief that you think Dumbledore was alright, I find him so hard to do, so I'm just so relieved you think I did a good job there! :-)
I'm glad you liked what he saw in the mirror was realistic. I was thinking about the werewolf issue with regards to that, but I just thought at the present moment, with him starting school, his desire for friends would eclipse that, you know? Like when Harry looked in the mirror and saw himself rescuing the stone, as opposed to his parents, because at that moment his desire to protect the stone, out-weighed his desire to see his family.
I'm so happy you think I have a great hold on Remus. He's my favourite character ever, and I would be so upset if I got him wrong. If I do one thing right with this fic, I want it to be that I got Remus as canon as possible, if I achieve that with this story, I'd be ridiculously happy.
I'm so sorry about the confusing sentences there. I've fixed them all, you are 100 percent right that they are not right, I'm so sorry about that. THanks so much for pointing them out, I appreciate that so much.
Thanks so much again for taking my request and reading and reviewing, I appreciate it so much. You have given me so much help and advice, you really have, and words cannot describe how much that means and how much that helps.
Next chapter will be up on Friday and I will drop by your thread and request once there is a free spot! If you need any help or anything, please do ask, and I'll do anything I can to help :-)