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Review:FallenAmaranth says:
This was incredibly sweet, both Ron and Hermione were very much in character, and exactly as I would imagine them to be. I thought Ron's reaction to 'finding out' was brilliant, he wasn't jumping to be over-excited, but I never thought he would be at first, since he can be nervous and wouldn't know what to immediately say - as he said, he was shocked - but he'd totally stay by Hermione's side :)

To improve, you could either request in a beta reader or just take extra care when re-reading(I'm terrible at this) to just comb through for spelling mistakes. There were a few issues with grammar, namely the one I'm just getting out of the habit of, which is;

"Ok well Iíll come by later, love you." He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

^ This should have a comma after 'you' and the 'H' in 'He' should be lower case. This happens in quite a lot of your dialogue, but is easily altered. So it should be ' "...love you," he gave her a quick kiss... ' If you get me :)

Also, a bit more description would make it flow better, and different lengths of sentences could also add more effect.

Describe the room, the chair he sits on, the state of the door handle, the way he eats the sandwich or how it smells. Is the flat dimly lit or is it bright? Etcetera etcetera. It's a really amazing plot and idea, and the characterization is brilliant, but to make it fabulous you have to make the reader relate to the story, so they feel like they are there in the flat with them, or it's them who are feeling all those emotions at the prospect of being a parent.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes! :-D

~ Emily

Author's Response: Hey, I'm glad you liked it! :)
I'm glad you though Ron and Hermione were in character!
I've requested a beta for this on the forums, just waiting for someone to fill it.
I'll go through and see what I can do to describe it more.
Thanks for reviewing! :)


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