Hi! I'm sorry how long it's taken me to review! Honestly i hadn't realized that the whole month slipped by without me getting to this story! I feel so bad!
Anyway, I think i really liked this chapter. I loved how you broke the sections down and i think it fit her depression perfectly. Usually i don't like the line breaks and think it's awkward but i think that it really fit with this specific story really well. The disjointedness of it really brought out her depression and made me feel what she was at the same time. It sort of also made me feel like those were her only sort of lucid moments and she was sort of flashing in and out of her feelings. This was really cool to read it that way because it made me think there was a lot more to the story than you wrote about.
I liked how your portrayed her depression as i've mentioned before and i think that it was very real. There were some parts with Lily herself that i wasn't sure if she'd handle it that way. That may be because of my head canon for her but i see her as a bit stronger and i suppose i wanted to see her trying to fight past it or at least hold onto a shred of herself. Now, if your canon of her is different and you're trying to show something different in this story than ignore this. :D
Another thing i was wondering about was Violet, this probably seems small but i'm very weary of skeptical of the whole fan club thing of James and Sirius. Although it wasn't serious here, i felt flashes of mad women throwing themselves at the two boys. I don't know if this is in the future for this story but i'd just be careful with it and i do believe cliches can be written well if the author is being intentional about it. :D
I like James here too, he has this quiet strength that i've always imagined him to have. I know he would have eventually grown up and this does seem like something that may knock some sense into him. I think he has great potential to be a really strong figure and i liked how he's found that strength here. However, I felt like i needed to see more of that growth for me to really believe that he's growing up beside Lily's grief. I think that although this quiet strength of him is true, I think it would be more believable if we saw the journey of him discovering it and discovering his maturity. It felt like it happened overnight for him. Maybe see some more reflection from him or make it clearer in the first chapter of where he was maturity wise so that we have a better backdrop for this chapter. But yeah, the transition was a bit too quick for me, i think he would definitely be there for Lily and i think this would help her see another part of him. But i just felt like there was something off about the interactions. It might have been that she just accepted his comfort without really questioning it and was incredibly willing to or that i just didn't feel like he would be at that point quite yet.
Saying that, it wasn't really that bad and i could still read and enjoy it as it was. I think how you've done it is believable to an extent and i think there would only have to be a few tweaks to make it even better.
Flow was really really great! Spot on really, it was so easy to read and picture and i felt like there wasn't anything that made me wonder how you had come to that thought or that action. Really great job with that, i honestly loved it.
I did really enjoy this chapter and i think you did a really great job with it overall. It makes me really interested to know where you're taking this and what you have planned. :D
Author's Response: Hi darling! Thanks so much for this review, and you've finally pushed me to add something that I've been thinking about, which is starting this the night before the Hogwarts Express and revolve a lot around what's been happening the last three weeks. So, thank you for finally giving me the motivation to do that, because I really think it's the necessary transition I need to make the strength and growth James shows here realistic.
It may also have to do with the fact that I've never really seen him as that immature. He was a prankster and overly loved, but I feel like after the 'mudblood' incident things improved from there on out, so in my head canon he's already turning into a young adult then seeing what Lily's suffering through just really puts him into a position to show his own maturities.
But, I also realize that a lot of people don't have the same head canon so I'm happy that you mentioned it seeming too quick, because like I said I've been playing around with an idea and you've made me want to try it now :)!
This is a hard road for Lily, you'll see her strengthen as time goes on, but it was important to me to show that it wasn't the same kind of pain as breaking up with a boyfriend or learning that her grandma is ill. But right now she isn't Lily Evans that defied Voldemort and did so many incredible things, she's just a seventeen year old girl whose lost her entire family. I wish I could say that you'll see some drastic improvement soon, but you really don't for the next few chapters. You will see improvement of course, and around chapter six is when she's finally getting back to Lily, but until then she's still struggling with all these emotions and trying to figure out how to move on knowing that she's basically completely alone in the world.
I'm so happy you liked the flow!! And I'm very thankful that you pointed out how quick James seems to change, I'm really excited to work on that a bit.
Thanks for this awesome review!! Finding things I can improve with this story is one of my favorite things, and of course I'm extremely happy that you liked this chapter as a whole :)!