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Review:slytherinchica08 says:
I found this first chapter to be rather funny! I loved the characterizations.. you had something different for each person and that was nice to see. One thing I wasn't sure about was James and them not knowing Lorcan being that Lily is named after their mom but thats not really a big deal it just seemed odd to me. I loved how you introduced Lorcan to the story though, having him hiding in James closet.. well more like sleeping there but anyways it was great.

One thing you might want to do for this piece is to make the gaps between paragraphs shorter because it makes the story look even longer which could throw off some people. Also you could possibly chop this first chapter in half though its not needed but I think a lot of people might not want to read something with really long chapters (though again its not needed as it is really funny anda good chapter). I couldn't help but notice that you use the word fudge a lot and I think that in some cases either replacing it or getting rid of it all together could actually make the sentence sound better to me. I think with this sentence, "Thereís a very pretty girl stood there, no older than twenty with long blonde hair." It would either be standing there or you could even elimante the word stood/standing and just have it say there's a very pretty girl there. Here is another instance where you use stood instead of standing, "Scorpius is stood at the front door, still in his boxers."

On the whole, I really liked the first chapter. I think that this story has great promise to be rather funny and interesting. I love that you have James and Scorpius as friends as thats something different and I haven't seen that before! I really enjoyed this! Great Job!


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